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Review #15 | Despondent

Title: Despondent

Author: anniexwrites

Summary: 5/5

I think that, considering the genre and themes of the story, this is actually a really great summary! You introduce the protagonist and give us enough context to set the stage for the conflict, then show a very clear direction to where the story will go. Your rhetorical questions at the end tie up the romance elements to the story well, and I think the link to the title at the very end is a very nice touch. Well done! I have no critiques here; I think this summary is apt for your story.

Grammar: 3.5/5

There were only a few grammar things that I noted, so let's go through them.

"I'm going to school," I tell nani, turning to the door.

So, because 'nani' is being used as a proper noun, as a replacement of the aunt's name, it needs to be capitalised. It should be:

"I'm going to school," I tell Nani, turning to the door.

Similarly:

"No, mama," I refuse before she can say anything.

It should be:

"No, Mama," I refuse before she can say anything.

However, if you were saying 'my mama' or 'my nani' said, then you would not need to capitalise it. Next:

"Emily's making breakfast for Areej, and Ree is a growing child she needs all the food," my nani says fondly.

So the issue here is that you have a run-on sentence. I would put some sort of punctuation between 'child' and 'she', like so:

"Emily's making breakfast for Areej, and Ree is a growing child. She needs all the food," my nani says fondly.

And finally:

"I'm not really interested as long as it doesn't effect my school grades, to be honest," Asher says nonchalantly.

Effect is the noun. Affect is the verb. In this case, we're looking for the verb. Therefore, it should be:

"I'm not really interested as long as it doesn't affect my school grades, to be honest," Asher says nonchalantly.

Otherwise, good work here!

Characterisation: 5/5

Your voice is immediately strong, and even shows hints of complete wisdom. Aliza is immediately compelling, but also shows such an interesting perception to things; she tells us how daily pain doesn't make us immune, but rather, it makes it easier to bottle it all up. There are even bits of humour in her voice that immediately draw us to her – like the quip about being blamed for an earthquake in Peru.

It's also so natural and easy to really feel for her. With her aunty acting mad at her for coughing during her night, as well as being called a 'terrorist' for her ethnicity to school – absolutely awful circumstances, and makes you want to root for her.

As for Asher, he seems really well attuned for the genre. I imagine most of your readers across this platform will love him because off his laidback attitude, and, despite his nonchalance, the way he is considerate when Aliza shows emotion. I enjoyed their slight banter when they realised they were stuck together for the project.

I also appreciate that Aliza has room to develop and grow as a character! We see that she jumps to conclusions, she is prone to miscommunication, and she holds resentment – whether it's reasonable (towards her mother) or a little bit stretched out (towards Asher). I am very curious to see whether or not her relationship with her mother shifts or evolves throughout the story, and if she becomes more or less bitter throughout the story!

Writing Style: 4/5

I didn't take any notes about this! I think your writing is so heavily driven by your characters' voice, that it's immediately fluent and compelling because of how relatable and accessible your protagonist is. I would appreciate a little bit more setting – to really emphasise how she's a bit of a fish out of water; someone who is really broke, amongst a school that is basically rimmed with gold. Also, don't be afraid to show us more interactions towards the start to really help us settle in – even if it's a bit of dialogue with Aliza and Bella in the library. Those help build the relationships, and don't need to be glossed over!

Plot + Originality: [no score – won't add to final score]

It's really tough to judge this with only two chapters present. So all I will say is that you've got a strong, purposeful start – so keep going!

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/20

Overall, a really strong character voice! Just make sure you fix up some characterisation errors, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!