Drapetomania

9

Chapter 9 | Baboon

▪︎Lorenzo Miller▪︎

I'm such an idiot.

With Alex gone, my thoughts are all over the place. Wild and loud, screaming at me for what I did.

Why would I do that? Why would I say something like that? God, I really am an asshole. She shouldn't have her best friend calling her by her dead's sister name. Why did I say that? Why? Why?

Me, her best friend, the one who knows very well how much she was and is affected by her sister dying, goes around telling a police officer a dead person's name with my last name. How could I be so idiotic?

There are more that a thousand different names in the world, and yet I say that. I was thinking of her relationship with her sister at that moment, so when i was asked about our names I knew that I had to tell fake ones, i didn't mean to say that but it just slipped out.

I get up from the bed, pacing around the hotel room with my hands in my head, hitting it slightly. Why? Why? Why did I say that?

I'm such an idiot. Hit. I am an asshole. Hit. I shouldn't be her friend, I always do this. Hit. I always say stupid things.

Her sister was her world and when she died Brianna's life crumbled and became a living hell. And I do this.

As if that wasn't enough, I had to chose our rooms here in the hotel without even acknowledging her. I have no idea came over me since when we got caught, whatever I say is going to be an excuse.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop talking. Stop thinking. Just stop. Stop. My mind hurts, my body hurts, everything just hurts. My lungs struggle to fill with air, as I keep repeating how stupid I am. Clutching a hand in my chest -as if that going to help me enter the air in my lungs, I try to take deep breaths.

I'm having a panic attack. How delightful. And that reminds of why I hate panic attacks so fucking much. I always have them when I'm triggered by me or others doing ridiculous things.

My hand goes to my neck, touching it as I feel like it's closing. Like there are two walls colliding with each other.

Come on, Lorenzo. Stop being silly, it's okay. One breath at a time. Deep breath.

I go to the bathroom, my vision blurry and my head feeling dizzy, I open the water -directly on the cold side- splashing it in my face repeatedly trying to calm down. Seeing as that doesn't seem to work, my hands grip tightly the sink and try Bri's method.

Three things I see.

I look around trying to find to help me stop this unnecessary panic attack. I see the shower, some towels and a dirty mirror -they couldn't have cleaned it, great I payed 78$ for a dirty mirror. The pain in my chest only seems to increase with those stupid thoughts. Back to her method, Lor.

Three things I feel.

I feel a thousand different things right now. I can't concentrate on three. Focus. I feel... I feel the cold water on my face, my tight grip on the sink and- and my chest lifting and feeling a little bit better.

Three things I hear.

I hear the water running -oh shit, I should've closed this, no it's payback for the dirty mirror. Fuck, I think closing the running water. I hear my heart beating loudly and my breaths getting back to normal. Great job, dude.

Sliding down the counter, when I finally calm down, I rest my head backwards feeling relieved to be able to breath normally again.

As I'm talking deep and fast breaths, I feel my throat tightening again, only this time because I'm trying to hold down a sob, a lump forming. God, I just had the third panic attack this week. Not being able to hold it in anymore, I let it out. Small, quiet sobs leave my mouth as tears well up in my eyes.