New Direction [Larry Stylinson]

18: Pre live show 2

I honestly like this chapter and I'm proud of it. I hope you will enjoy it too. 

"Thank you so much for dropping me off, Niall!" Harry hugs the Irish boy when they are at the hotel.

"Don't thank me mate, just make sure things are alright again. These are two lads now that I really like that feel sad. That's' not my thing."

Harry looks at the floor in shame and walks inside of the hotel. He goes to his room first and does something that he hopes will convince Louis that he is really sorry, because he is, and it hasn't even been a full day and he misses him so fucking much.

So Harry is in front of the door and his heart already sinks when he reads the 'don't disturb' sign. He is going to ignore it though.

"Louis!" Harry screams. "Lou, it's me."

There is no reaction but Harry can see from under the door that the light is on so he will not give up.

"Louis I'm so sorry, can we talk?" he keeps knocking but still no reaction.

"Louis, please..." he sounds desperate now, tears rolling over his cheeks. "I am so sorry. I should be thinking about losing Josh but the only thing I can think about is how I might have lost you..."

--

Louis takes his laptop and opens the teams link that she just sent. He tries to look a bit decent but fails miserably. He shouldn't be so affected. In the end Harry is only a participant of the show.

Who is Louis even kidding? Harry is so much more to him.

Louis opens the link and the friendly looking woman appears on the screen.

"Hello there, Louis!" She smiles. "Can you hear me?" she asks testing the technics.

"Well and clearly." He answers, putting his thumb up. "Thank you for making time for me."

"It's alright. I was pretty surprised when Niall called me. It has been a while since you asked for a session. You've been doing amazingly and I watched the show yesterday and you seemed fine. What happened to make you this upset, Louis?" the woman takes her notepad and pen, ready to start writing things down.

"It's a lot actually." Louis confesses. "I have been fine as long I was just at home, surrounded by my family and close friends. I am only fine when I am in my secured zone but now I'm out of it. First of all it is very difficult to me that this show is happening." A single tear escapes Louis' eye. "It has always been the five of us and then Luke is out and of course I know it's for the better but it's still hurts because it doesn't feel like it's right now. It feels so wrong and seeing Luke in Jamaica giving the other boy tips about being in the band... It was all too much." Louis tries to control his voice. "People expect me to be all happy because the band will be saved and the show brings a lot of promotion but... I don't feel happy about it. What if the new band member is someone that will hurt me again? What if I trust someone and they end up just like Luke?" Louis hugs his knees and hides his head in between them, laptop standing on the bedside table beside him.

"I discussed this with Simon. There is written in the contract that the new member has to be approved by you, Louis. It will be someone you feel comfortable around." Melanie explains.

"I don't trust my own judgement." Louis starts shaking his head. "I mean, from the participants there was this one guy I fell really comfortable around and I trusted him. I even let him in on my secrets and only a few days after he hurts me." Louis is crying hard now but he manages to keep his voice under control.

"What makes you feel comfortable around that guy?"

The way his arms feel around me, the sound of his voice, the butterflies in my stomach.

"He is gay as well." Louis exhales. "And it's kind of comforting to know that at least he isn't a homophobe."

Melanie nods and smiles a little.

"That's indeed a good thing Louis. Are there other things?"

And Louis wants to curse her because no way in hell he is going to admit his feelings for Harry, surely not after what had happened between them.

"I am his mentor and I stayed with him for three days for mentoring. We bonded quickly and his mother is a saint. I felt at ease when I was there, like I belonged somewhere. People knew the real me and I wasn't judged... Harry is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He makes me smile, like genuinely smile, makes me feel comfortable and he actually made me believe that I'm worth something..." Louis swallows the lump in his throat. "But I fucked up."

"What makes you think that you did that?" Her brown eyes show worry and Louis scrapes his throat.

"He had a pretty toxic boyfriend. He never supported him and for some reason he was jealous of me. I don't get why. The only thing I did was mentoring Harry and supporting him like he deserves. Harry and I were just friends. But yesterday after the show he broke up with him, blamed it all on me that he was breaking up with Harry so Harry blamed it on me too. He said he hated me, didn't want me to touch him. It..." Louis starts to sob uncontrollably. "He hates me before he would even be in the band. I mess up everything."

"It's not your mistake, Louis. You can't control other people's feelings and thoughts." Melanie's voice is calm and suiting. "You don't have to blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You did your job and you supported a friend and I'm very proud of you for doing so. You have a good heart. It's not because others blame you that it's your mistake. Were your intentions with Harry pure?"

Louis nods immediately.

"Yeah, I would have never done something with him if he had a boyfriend. I'm not like that."

"So you know that your intentions were pure and that's enough, Louis. If Harry is the person you described, he will come around Louis. He is having a hard time and the end of a relationship is always difficult even when it's a toxic one, especially when it's a toxic one."

"I realise but It doesn't hurt less."

"What are your real feelings towards that boy, Louis?"

Just when Louis is about to answer, he hears a knock on his door followed by a voice. He recognises that voice in a second and he can't help the fact that his heart is beating faster. It's Harry, that's Harry's voice. He missed that voice even if it hasn't been so long that they are fighting.

"Louis?" Melanie asks. "Are you still here?"

Louis nods, wanting to say yes until he hears the boy speaking again.

"Louis, please..." he sounds desperate now, tears rolling over his cheeks. "I am so sorry. I should be thinking about losing Josh but the only thing I can think about is how I might have lost you..."

And now his heart is beating in his throat.

"Harry is knocking on my door." Louis says, voice cracking and tears rolling.

"And do you want to speak to him, Louis?"

Louis is hesitating and Melanie sees it.

"What is stopping you from opening that door, Louis?"

Louis' whole body is shaking when he answers his therapist, his voice shaking as well.

"I'm scared he is going to hurt me again, because he has the power to."