the prey in the winter

//you intimidated me//

dear astrology,

i hate you. i hate all aspects of your being. i hate that people love you. i hate that you are everyone's favorite. i hate your charming ways. i hate your humour. i hate the way you disillusion people into making them think you're sweet. i hate how smoothly you hide your bitterness. i hate that my friends love you. i hate that people think they have made a mistake because you are not in their lives anymore. i hate it so much.

i hate you not because of some external causes. no one made me hate you. i hate you because you're not worthy of receiving love and yet you get it the most. if i tell someone about this, i'm sure i'll be the one being hated by everyone. but that's the whole problem don't you think? but mostly i hate you because you made me feel worthless. you made me feel like shit for caring about you. you said that you don't want to be loved and yet i see you being loved. how do i let that go? how do i swallow my ego and talk to you and tell you that your double faced self makes me hate you even more.

i thought i wouldn't be affected by it. but i was. you made me question my love. and care. and affection. you made me question things about myself that i was so confident in. now you might say you were never important for me. but don't you think i decided that? don't you think i decided whether i wished to take care of you or not?

i write this letter to you so that you're reminded about the vicious cycle you've gotten yourself into, to remind you that the next time someone else tells you they care about you; you take it silently and lovingly because you shouldn't beat yourself into thinking you don't deserve it.

hoping you don't push anyone else away the way you did with me.

yours truly,

haadiya. 

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update: i think i wrote this when i was in an extremely dark place in my life and i saw everyone speak so lovingly about you that i began to hate it. i so so so so so wanted to talk to you. and although, i don't even mind for you now- you're still somehow in my head sometimes. i still feel the same about you, just the fact that it isn't hatred. i never, ever hated you. i just wanted to be your friend so bad that i messed things up for myself. but i will not deny you hurting me. and i know, you don't care and surprisingly, after all this time, i don't want you to care but i just wished you knew that you aren't the only one who has had life betray them at multiple stages. because even if you're drowning at 40 ft and i am drowning at 10ft, we're still drowning. we're still in the deep shit. you don't get to decide if you've hurt someone or not . and i know i have absolutely no right to talk about your life and i know, i repeat again because it's true, that you don't give a fuck about me, atleast ; but still, i hope you've learnt how to take love from other people who speak to you without going into the merits of your life and how to just not be an asshole all the time to those people because i know you're a good person (again, who am i to decide that). 

more thoughts: i was a very very sad kid when i wrote this. if anyone wants to judge me, they can. this book came to a standstill because in these moments i was feeling my lowest. not because of something external but the mere fact that coming on wattpad gave me major anxiety, i love wattpad, but in those moments i hated it, more than ever. because the person (or rather people) i wanted to be friends with didn't want to be mine. and i hated it. so so so much. i ruined things for myself. YEAH. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. 

i am pretty much the same as i was before, however, i have learnt that people don't define my worth. they deleted my reply on their message board because it ruined their aesthetic, and they personally asked me not to- yeah,  so what? they don't and will not define me and my importance. this place has given me so many life lessons and this was one-

staying away from people who hurt my heart when all i wanted- all i genuinely wanted was for the other person was to get better and not to say that i am a saint. no, i am a bad person too, i have made many mistakes and i have hurt many, many people's feelings but in those moments, i was hurt. they hurt me and they took no responsibility for it. which is okay. i know they hurt me but they don't get to decide if they did or did not do so. 

no harsh feelings tho, i am in a better place than i was back when i wrote this. 

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A/N: Should I tag you, lol?