Spinning Out✔️

22. Hope Is A Heartache

A/N: The song above is mentioned in this chapter and it's by one of my favorite artists. Fun fact: this song actually inspired this whole book. I listened to it the one time and imagined all the characters and a story and then this book came to life. Check it out when you can. (I love Léon.) Enjoy the chapter! Comment and vote!

Luna's POV

"Okay, step one says to make the dough." I reread Kingston's chicken scratch of handwriting and scanned through the ingredients list.

Every ingredient was here but I didn't understand why there were piping bags of frosting.

Jax stood in front of a metal bowl and dropped the needed ingredients into it without even asking me. He whisked and added the dry and wet ingredients separately. His eyes and concentration were trained on the bowl.

"How do you know how to do this?" I lowered the paper on the table and watched as he rolled up his sleeves. The veins along his arms became visible and I watched his arm muscles flex as he carefully mixed it.

My wrist that was connected with his moved like a dead limb.

"I've made dough with my Nonna before," he answered simply.

I picked up the paper with questions. Ozzie said with every step there would be a corresponding question.

"What is your worst fear?"

Jax finished whisking and patted the small dough in the bowl. "Nothing."

I scoffed. "Yeah right, you cried like a baby when we watched horror movies together." I reminded him. His eyes finally met mine and he shrugged.

"Yeah, but that's not my worst fear. I just don't like horror movies."

"Okay then, what is it?"

He said nothing and looked down at the dough. His hands were leaning on the table and his shoulders were raised to his ears. This was typical Jax body language for stressed or uncomfortable.

Something was on his mind and if I asked him, he'd just deny it.

"I'm afraid of leaving people behind." My fingers mindlessly bent the corner of the paper. "Like if I die, my mom would be broken. She's already lost a lot."

Both of our eyes met and he nodded slowly. His shoulders dropped slowly and I could see his face ease.

The one thing I'd learned about him, was that Jax was a communicator. He always wanted to talk about others' feelings and thoughts while I wanted to avoid them all together. So whatever was affecting his mood would probably change after we talked.

"So you don't want to have kids?" He finally responded.

My mind flipped over the question. "I don't want to have kids that I could possibly leave. It's possible that I'll never see them grow up or my condition will make their lives more chaotic."

"Why do you do that?" He was looking at me dead on now with burning intensity. His eyes were readable, telling me to answer him. "Why do you always assume you're going to die?"

"It's better than believing I'm going to live long," I admitted. "Hope is a heartache."

He blinked at me with pain behind his eyes. His stillness was purposeful and intense. Like he was repeating my words in his mind. "Hope is a heartache sounds like a song on..."

"Léon's album?" I said with a suprised smile.

He nodded his head. "Yeah, I really like her voice so I listened to a few of her other songs. She's really good."