Red vs blue and purple

The rookies

Simmons, Sabine and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them.

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.

Grif: Sirs? (turns to Donut) Ah crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Sabine: Mhm.

Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Sabine: Of all time.

Simmons ignores them and looks at the new recruit.

Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Sabine: Nice to meet you Donut, I'm Sabine. Welcome to blood gulch.

Donut: Nice to meet you ma'am.

Sabine: Just call me Sabine.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This IS the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: (looks at Simmons) Well, he's wearing red armor.

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: What about her?

Sabine: I don't really like just having one color so I'm dark pink and purple.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Sabine: You don't know that.

Church, Tucker, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank.

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker looks at Caboose annoyed.

Tucker: Hey, kid.

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it man!

Caboose and Tucker look back the tank where Church is grinning at it.

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Sabine: Calm down.

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Sabine: Wait what?

Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Sabine: What?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut starts running across the base as they watch him.

Grif: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way.

Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

Grif, Sabine and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch. Sabine looks at them annoyed.

Sabine: That was mean.

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say... at least a week.

Sabine: If he dies I'm blaming you.

Sabine leaves to her room.

Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.

Donut: Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece. Maybe that hot one from red base.

Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks? And I told you, she's the enemy.

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets and she counts as a chick because she's hot.

Cut to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Sabine: (off screen) Yes!

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Donut approaches Blue Base and smiles.

Donut: Finally, there it is. ...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!