Alexis
My anxiety was through the roof. I felt so damn guilty. Did I expect us to become friends or for her to forgive me? No because I wouldn't even forgive me if I were her. I felt weak as the tears suddenly came out of nowhere. It hasn't even been a whole two days but here I am crying over someone I can never have. The sad part about it is that I never told my husband about her and Eva doesn't even know her other mother.
My mother caught me crying over this woman embarrassing me further. She didn't say anything but instead came and comforted me which I really appreciated.
Ms. E: You okay baby?
A: No mommy I'm not okay.
Ms. E: Well do you wanna talk about it?
I shook my head. I didn't want to relive that night. I did the one thing that I swore on my life I'd never do and now she won't even look me in the eyes. Mommy started to walk away but I grabbed her arm. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk about it with someone.
Ms. E: What's bothering you baby?
A: The guilt mommy. I feel so damn guilty and I know it's my fault but the way she looks at me now makes me want to die.
Ms. E: Baby you can't let this be a life sentence. You made a mistake but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Just talk to her baby.
A: That's impossible. I tried that this morning and it got me nowhere.
Ms. E: Try harder. You want her back then you got to be willing to do whatever it takes.
I pondered on her words. Did I really want her back? Of course but the real question is...would she even want me? All of this made my head hurt and now I'm really regretting coming to this whole thing. As if things couldn't get worse for me, Jo walked back in the kitchen with her girlfriend in tow. I sat still hoping to just disappear. Diana greeted me but Jo kept her face directed towards the back window staring out at nothing and in that moment, I've never wanted to be inside of someone's mind as I do hers.
J: Baby, it looks pretty good outside. You wanna join me for a walk?
D: Right now? In all that snow?
J: I don't see why not
D: I love you but I'm gonna stay in today but you can go ahead.
I cringed just with the thought of how her face must of looked. If anything, I knew Jo loved the snow. There were many times that she'd drag me behind her out in the cold but never did I complain. Seeing the way her eyes lit up with joy made it all worth it. If she had asked me, I'd follow behind her with no questions asked. I heard her sigh as her girlfriend left the kitchen and now it was the two of us. There was a battle within myself of what I should do so I just went with the flow.
A: You know, if you'd like, I um I could go with you.
I bit my lip waiting for the sword that was her tongue to slice through my soul once again but surprisingly, she did just the opposite. She looked at me and just for a split second, I saw her...the real her-not this cold fabricated replica of her. She shook her head denying my offer and left out the kitchen again. I'll admit, it hurt me just a bit but I won't give up that easy. I ran upstairs and got dressed in something warm then headed out the door. She was far ahead of me but her footprints helped. They were prime examples of her...steady, sure, even, while mine were all over the place...a good example of how I've been since she arrived.
