Never Our Fault

067

MESSENGER

Graham Montez
Active 10 minutes ago

9:10 AM

Graham
Hey

Congrats, silver medal awardee Cashmere :)

You graduated. You look good in white, in your toga, all smiles with cheers from everyone you love and flowers in hand.

Your efforts were worth it. I am beyond proud of you that I am so ashamed I couldn't even bring myself to walk to you, give you a hug and tell you you did absolutely well that I am so... so amazed that you did good.

I'm sorry I avoided you for two weeks. And counting. It's for the best. What happened to you and Alora is all my fault.

They were right.

I was better off away from you, Cashmere.

I can't be near you like a leech, feeding on your sunshine until you bleed. Until you remember what's supposed to be left forgotten. Until you remember me and the lost, golden, hurtful days of our childhood again.

I am so sorry for being selfish. For loving you again. For giving you so many signs and not fulfilling any of them. For leading you on the fact that there might be a possibility of you and me.

Myself won't probably allow us have that. I live in constant fear that I might taint you too.

I am brave in anything but never you, Cashmere. Never in you. Because I was always so afraid to be near you... like a dirty moth attracted to the fire... kasi baka masaktan kita. At ayaw ko no'n.

I don't want you crying.

Most of all, I don't want you hurting.

Hindi mo bagay sa mundo ko kasi malungkot dito. You deserve something else.

I don't want to break you just because I am broken. Let me shoulder all the pain. You don't deserve this hurt, this anguish... all the gray things.

And

I am sorry I can never be affectionate like other guys do. I was always misunderstood by people and I was fine by that. But if I do show you all that I am, you may come to hate and leave me too. I fear to see hatred in your eyes. That's my greatest fear.

I am sorry I acted cold to you in the past. Hindi ko sinasadya.

I killed my feelings a long time ago, angel. Because I was supposed to be a robot, not feeling, not living, just an empty shell moving around but it's useless. You just revived, rekindled the old flame and nurtured my emotion.

Do you even know that I am at peace with you? That I can be at ease knowing that I am me around you?

Will you believe me that I'm glad I met you again? Will you know how happy I am the moment I saw you near me again?

I enjoyed our days together. Truly.

I will keep them all sealed, here in my heart. I will miss all your cupcakes, the giggles I hear from your voice, the po and opo mannerism that you probably got from Alora, your concerns, and the times where you fall asleep in the library while I'm there beside you, just staring at the heaven printed in your face.

I need you, Cash. I always do, for you are home and I will miss you indefinitely.

I like you. Really...

I knew you liked me too but I hope you bury it deep into your heart. You can't like a guy like me. I'll only bring you pain... and I can't have you experience the hell that I do feel and endure in the daily.

I'll spare you from all the dramatics.

I am so sorry I couldn't even get to say good bye. I am so sorry that I'm leaving you. Again.

I feel so guilty because of what happened before. People still say I don't deserve to be happy. Kahit na mismong magulang ko na, sinasabi na 'yon. And I believe in that too. Kahit nakakasawa na pakinggan dahil paulit-ulit na lamang. I should live my days in torment because of that one day I couldn't protect Alora and you. The blood you spilled and the memories you lost and the life stolen from Alora is mine alone to atone. And I am okay with this burden, because I have lived with the guilt for the longest time.

Please be happy for the both of us, Cashmere. Please be happy for me.

I need you to be.

Someday, if fate allows, I hope we meet again and hopefully, I can face you properly that time. I hope I can cry, laugh and feel emotions by your side again.

And I am sorry that the word sorry is all I can offer right now. I am sorry for being a coward and not standing up to all of them.

I am sorry I could never tell you all of this.

Message saved as draft.

11:11 AM

Graham
Congrats 👏🏻

Cashmere
Ikaw rin po :)

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