Never Our Fault

076

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cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 1h
shrouded with mystery, graham's thoughts can never be deciphered. natatakot ako. baka mahulog ulit ako sa kan'ya. even as a happy crush, like before. baka umasa na naman ako na merong nangyayari sa amin, ngunit wala naman pala. I started assuming something in the past too, but I was mistaken.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 1h
alalang-alala ko pa ang araw na 'yon. I overheard his conversation with his friends, killian, sean and worth. they were asking graham what was wrong. because he was acting as if someone scared him. as if a certain thought petrified him. he avoided me for days and I was wondering if I did something wrong.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 1h
he answered something about a girl named alora. naisip ko before, nakita ko siya na umiiyak din dahil sa "alora" na sinasabi nila. the name sounds familiar but I don't know where I heard it. and then someone from his friends asked again if there was something wrong, for the second time.

I remember his words clearly.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 1h
"kinausap ako ng kuya niya. and he made me recall what happened to her in the past. of course I knew that... of course I was aware. but how could I avoid her when she's smiling so brightly in front of me? was it so wrong to wish for a little time... with her... just so that I can feel emotions and be motivated to live again?"

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 1h
"I understood her brother because I knew where he was coming from. muntik siyang namatay. pero hindi siya natuluyan dahil nakaprotekta sa kanya si alora. and even if he didn't tell me directly, I knew he blamed me for what happened to her."

"everyone's... just asking me to stay away from her. I don't want to. ayaw ko siyang iwan ulit. gusto kong sumaya. why is this so hard... I'm tired already..."

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 1h
hindi ko alam sinong pinag-uusapan nila. but I knew my heart was clenching every time I heard the name "alora" because it sounded too close to home. ngunit hindi ko naman siya kilala kaya bakit ganito? bakit ganoon ang naramdaman ko?

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 29m
on the last day of examinations, I saw him turning left to another corridor when he saw me coming. iniiwasan niya nga ako. hindi niya ako nire-reply-an (not that he's obligated to). but before he started avoiding me, he made me feel like something's going on. na baka... gusto niya na ako? so I started hoping.

then I saw his convo with hans.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 26m
kasi that time, pinahawak ni hans sa akin ang phone niya. she told me her password and said to feel free to use it to text my mama I was going to go home late (kasi mag-aaral kami for finals and hindi ko nadala ang phone ko kasi bawal sa school at ayaw kong magkarecord sa guidance office)

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 23m
I sent mama a message pero I accidentally clicked his chat circle with graham. and I saw their most recent convo. unintentionally. but a naturally curious person that I am, I found myself backreading. and there I found out na magpinsan pala talaga sila ng friend ko and graham... graham doesn't really like me. in his terms, "ayaw kong gustuhin si cashmere."

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 21m
ayaw niya akong gustuhin? but why did he make me feel like he likes me? why did I feel like I was someone special to him?

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 18m
I was so caught up with all the mixed signals that I didn't know what to believe. I felt like I was played... and betrayed... and ignored. totoo nga pala 'yung sinasabi nila, ang lamig niya nga. he's so cold that you would mistake him for a heartless robot.

nasaktan ako. kasi umasa ako sa akala ko. pero mali pala ako.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 15m
so when he tried talking to me in person after a week he ignored me, ako naman ngayon ang dumidistansya na sa kanya. it felt so wrong to keep my hopes up... na baka gusto niya rin ako... kaya ayaw ko ng umasa pa.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 14m
the silent treatment I gave placed an awkward distance between us. slowly. slowly, we walked away from each other. we ignored each other as if we were strangers, as if we didn't laugh together or spent mundane moments together...

all that evaporated into thin air.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 10m
akala ko rin kakausapin niya ako ng graduation namin. but he didn't. he did give me a simple "congrats" through messenger but that was it.

that was how my first love ended.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 6m
ngayong nandito siya at mukhang maayos siya, I am thankful. he looked happy so I was happy for him. before I even began to like him, we were friends. masaya ako para sa kanya.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 3m
pero bakit ganito na naman siya... bakit pinaparamdam niya sa akin na special ako? gaya ng dati? pagkatapos ba nito, malalaman ko ba ulit na hindi niya ako gusto? tapos siya na ang magkukusang lumayo sa akin ulit?

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · 2m
I don't want to keep my hopes up again and get myself caught up with all the mixed signals he's giving me, only to be crushed by his indifferences and coldness later on.

cash 🔒 @i_am_mads · Now
we're only friends. ginagawa niya lang ito kasi kaibigan niya lang ako. doon na lang ako magfo-focus at hindi sa possibility na baka gusto niya ako...