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TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape/sexual assault

Carson Hughes

Something my mother pointed out to me not too long ago was the fact that sometimes I care so much about others that I forget to take care of myself. I didn't get what she was talking about at first until I really thought back on my life.

It seemed like I never put myself first. It was always my friends, my mom, Vinny, and never me. Part of that didn't sit right with me, but the other part knew I wouldn't be happy with being selfish, though it wouldn't hurt to start doing things for myself.

I didn't even really know what I liked to do without having anyone else with me. That was what really bothered me when I thought about what my mother said. I felt like I didn't know myself and I wanted that to end. That was why I decided Friday night and Saturday, I was going to spend some time figuring myself.

My friends weren't going to go to the championship football game tonight. Even with Seth and Darren not playing, none of them felt like they could be in the spirit. I felt bad for them, knowing that at least all of them besides Logan really liked going to the games and they were missing out on their last chance because of the bad behaviors of other people.

While they gathered at Logan's house, I sat at home in my lonesome, trying to figure out literally anything about myself. I was coming up with nothing, so I sent a text to Vinny.

To: Vinvin
can you tell me something about me

From: Vinvin
what

To: Vinvin
i don't know anything about myself. i don't even know my favorite color

From: Vinvin
your favorite color is dark green

To: Vinvin
wait... you're right how did you know that

From: Vinvin
i know you
it's the color of your favorite t-shirt

To: Vinvin
oh right. the one you never gave back

From: Vinvin
and i never will

I didn't have time to type out a response before Vinny was calling me.

"Hello?"

"Are you having, like, some sort of psychotic break or something?" Vinny asked, his tone rushed.

"No, I'm just thinking," I replied with a sigh. "I'm just sitting here alone and realizing I have no clue about anything about myself."

"Carson, you're like the greatest person I know," Vinny said in a tone that made it sound like he was stating the obvious. I wouldn't even bother arguing against him about that.

"But I don't really know myself," I said. "I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I put Undecided on all my college applications."

"Well, I know you, and I know that your favorite color is dark green, and you hate arguing, and you love cuddling, and you're too hard on yourself because you're always so focused on making everyone else happy that you forget to make you happy. Seriously, I think the first thing you've done for yourself in a while was dump me."

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