mithril

XI.

— XI —

In the aftermath of the dragon's destruction, the humans are all but ruined. The survivors wail and sob, barely pulling themselves to the shore. Many are dead, even more wounded. They clutch gaping burn wounds or grasp at badly broken limbs. Yet I almost prefer the loud moaning of the wounded to those that lay face down in the water. Unmoving.

I help the children from the boat, but Sigrid and Tilda stay by my side as I turn to the Dwarves. I watch Tauriel as she watches Kíli. Her expression is guarded. The Dwarves, as soon as they see us out of the vessel, begin pushing the boat right back into the water. Fíli lifts his paddle again, prepared to set out across the lake for the Mountain. I want to step forward. I want to ride with them to Erebor.

Fíli is looking at me with a grave expression. I could swear there was a bit of sadness in his eyes, too.

"Let me come," I start. I know how he will answer. I steel myself, waiting for the rejection.

"No. Neither you nor the She-Elf will join us." He looks to his brother, who is still standing on the pebbled shore. He speaks to Tauriel quietly, his hands wrapped around hers.

"Fíli. Please. I have to see him."

"He will kill you if you arrive in his halls."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

Fíli steps forward, gently touching my arm.

"You and my brother share that ache, Léra. You will both overcome it. Let Thorin be who he is destined to be. And you be who you are. Go back to the Elves, where you are welcome."

I do not wish for a life with the Elves. I wish for a life of cold stone and braided hair, courting beads and battleaxes. I crave for my own will to choose who I want to be with, Fíli.

My pain must be plain on my face, for the Dwarf's face softens slightly.

"I will tell him of how you helped his kin and aided us when Kíli's life was close to over. I will tell him you fought bravely in his name."

I open my mouth, ready to spill my pain to him and make him see that I can not live a life without Thorin Oakenshield when the She-Elf straightens. I catch the movement, suddenly aware of the tall blond figure behind us that drags Tauriel's attention away from Kíli.

"Kíli," Fíli summons his brother. "Come. We are leaving."

The dark-haired Dwarf is staring down the prince as Tauriel speaks to him in Elvish.

"My Lord Legolas."

"Take your leave of the Dwarves." It's a command for both of us. One I ache to ignore, instead launching myself into the water after the boat. Will Thorin want me then? Will he forgive me if I disobey the Woodland prince? Fíli's eyes are dark, watching Legolas as closely as his brother is. "You are needed elsewhere," Legolas prompts when neither of us move.

I would tell Tauriel to go with Kíli. To pursue the nephew of the very Dwarf I wish to do the same with. But I don't speak, and she turns away from him without another word. Her hand is wrapped around something that she brings to her heart.

Tug tug.

Does she feel it too? That small yank in her stomach that, if left unchecked, would lead her straight to him.

I feel it. Stronger than ever before. Screaming at me to turn around and get into the boat.

Why aren't you listening? Why aren't you listening?

You're breaking your own heart, you idiotic girl!

Listen to me! You belong with him, girl! You belong with Thorin!