Sinful Nostalgia | Hetalia

12 || My Jumbled Emotions

The door was tall and white, empty of everything except for the room number on the wall to the side. 248. Just as the Japanese nurse had told me. I could hear voices inside, and I thought they sounded sort of serious. I thought that perhaps now was a bad time for me to intrude, but before I could turn around, I heard Lovino's irritable voice call out, "Just come in if you're gonna come in!"

That escalated quickly. With a deep breath, I slowly turned the handle and walked inside the room.

"Monica!" Feliciano cheers, though something in his brown eyes was slightly... off. They didn't smile with his face, like normal. In fact, without the smile upon his lips, he would look sort of, well, angry. And certainly nothing like himself. "I'm so happy you could come! Sorry about the last visit, I was just... loopy."

Lovino grumbles something under his breath, his face almost murderous. I conclude that the two of them must've had a fight, explaining their attititudes.

"I was just checking on how you were doing," I mutter, feeling awkward just standing there this way. I felt like such an outsider. I am an outsider. "I could leave if it's not a good time."

Lovino sighs, then walks towards the door. "I will be in the cafeteria." With that, the door flew open and out he went, door slamming shut behind him.

"You can come sit down," Feliciano offers, gesturing to the chair next to his bed. I did so quickly, sitting down and handing him the bear I had bought at the Canadian store. "Aw, did you get this for me? Ahhh it's so soft!" He cuddles it with his face, grinning from ear to ear. The anger in his eyes was completely gone.

"Y-yeah," I grumble, looking away. "I-it's not really all that special. No need to act like it's an award, o-or something...." Gosh, I'm really embarrassing myself. "I just felt bad that you got... hurt."

And there it was. That familiar pang of sadness. Why does the idea of Feliciano getting hurt in a crash hurt me so much? It's almost specified by the damage that car crashes can bring. I'm so... odd.

"It's a big deal because it's from you, Monica!" Feliciano chuckles, giving me his signature peace-sign with his bandaged fingers. My blush runs even darker. My skin seemed to naturally run so red these days. "And I really, really thank you for this, veh? It made me super happy!"

"Good," I whisper. "Listen, Feliciano, I feel awful about the whole thing... Your brother told me that you crashed because you were coming to see me and I can't bear the thought that I hurt you and I'm so sorry... I'm really sorry..." What the crap? Am I really pouring my heart out to him at a time like this? This is not about me, so why am I even opening my mouth? I'm so selfish!

"Hey, there's really no need to blame yourself," he frowns, which wasn't really a familiar look on him. "My brother and I got in a fight because he blamed you. Really, the only thing to blame is my terrible Italian driving, heh!" He ends the sentence with a light laugh, but something was on his mind. I could tell. I just sigh slightly, looking down at my feet.

"Monica, I need to talk to you about yesterday," Feliciano sighs. "I... know I was loopy, but..." I stop him right there, the memory already warming up my face.

"N-no need to apologize, F-Feliciano!" I stammer. "It's fine." I stand up and turn away. No one in their right minds would knowingly tell me they loved me. I'm not much to love. "Well, I-I have some work to do, and I have to go clean and make sure Julchen is behaving, and..."

"Monica!" Feliciano calls out to me. I stop walking out the door, and turn my head to look at him. "Monica, that wasn't what I was going to say at all." He takes a deep breath. "Look, I... I'm not going to apologize over something that was true, okay?"

I feel like my heart stopped. But no, I knew it was beating. It was pounding in my ears louder than any drum, and it brought an invigorating feeling. To be honest, I'm not even sure that I could've heard him correctly. I mean, after all, it felt so random to me.

"I said what I meant," he swallows slightly. "I really care about you..." His voice was shaking, tense, and nothing really like his. Normally he's quite the happy, carefree, and annoying person. We all know that! So as he talks with such seriousness, I can't help but feel a lump form in my throat. "I really love you... I was loopy, but I was also truthful, Moni-Bella..."

That last name, the last word he said in that sentence, the last syllable. That was what made my heart feel as if it were unraveling. The tears suddenly slip down my cheeks, the second time I'd cried in front of Feliciano Vargas. Which, frankly, was not a proud accomplishment of mine. I was shuffling towards him without even knowing it, acid tears rushing down my skin. What am I feeling? I'm not even sure anymore!

I run over to the side of his bed, tears dripping onto his face. Everything was blurry. I couldn't tell my surroundings. I only saw his bright eyes as his hand slowly reached up to my cheeks. I couldn't stop crying! The tears just... they won't stop! "They won't stop..!" I whisper, hiccuping on my words. Feliciano's hand runs down my chin, wiping off a tear.

"It's okay... you're crying happy tears."

Even though he sounded so sure, I wasn't completely certain. There was a feeling in my chest. A heavy one. Like something was buried deep beyond my reach. I broke down, on the floor, crying into his sheets.

Where am I?

Who am I?

And why... why do I feel so sad inside?