Sinful Nostalgia | Hetalia

13 || Easy

Song for the Chapter: I... (by Yiruma)

A girl in a maid's dress.

A sad feeling piercing the chest.

A lost sense of not knowing who you are, why you are here, why you were born in this world. Why anything exists. A depressing, questioning state that is just hard to find your way out of. That's what lost memories bring back.

My lost memories.

Lost to me for so many years, and suddenly they are back. Back. The aching pain in my heart will never go away after these memories flood my brain.

***

"Sis, wake up! You're scaring me!"

I wake up to a pair of crimson eyes hovering over me, smothering my face. With an annoyed grunt, I shove my sister away from me, not wanting to be so close to anyone right now. I could feel the glare in my eyes, but I could also, always, feel the tears. I touch my cheek, my hand coming back wet. Julchen was giving me an amazed look, which just made me glare even harder.

"Screw this," I grumble, wiping at my eyes furiously and burning my skin up a bit. "It's him, Julchen. Feliciano... it's...."

"You remember now?" Julchen asks softly, her voice much more gentle. I nod my head, shaking a bit. I try to sit up, and find myself in my familiar room.

"I-I think so," I mumble. "And I don't like it!" I grab a pillow, shoving my face in it. I swear, I could see him in my mind, imprinted. A little maid's dress flapping in the wind.

"Monica..." I look up, and Julchen reaches her hand out to me, but then retracts it when she sees the look in my eyes. I'm so defeated. So weak. I finally learn the memories of my stupid past, and I can't stop the tears from falling.

"You need a drink," Julchen decides, grabbing my hand. I frown, but she manages to get me out of my bed and moving. "C'mon, I will force beer down your throat! Nothing makes Germans happier than the wonders of beer!"

Julchen always knew how to make it so I wasn't so sad. She wasn't acting different, like everybody else. In fact, she acted as if nothing happened. I knew it was my fault she had that scar. I knew that Feliciano was the friend I had lost years ago. I knew that I was probably better off just staying alone. But still, my heart ached.

***

Julchen had managed to get me to a bar just downtown, even when I was still sulking in my pajamas. I do admit, letting just a bit of alcohol in my system got me to calm down and be able to think better. Julchen was right. Beer really does make Germans happy.

"Aha! I was right! You're smiling a little!" Julchen exclaims in victory. "Now, are you calmed down?" I nod my head, sighing as I push the empty glass away. I'd downed that beer in just a few seconds. It did make me more calm, though, whereas with other people, it'd have the opposite effect. My mind was strangely and ironically more clear now.

"I'm sorry," was all I could manage to say. "I really am." I wasn't sure what I was sorry for. Putting that scar on my sister's cheek? Passing out before Feliciano's eyes? Crying more than I ever thought I'd allow myself to? Maybe, just maybe, I was sorry for myself as well.

"You can't apologize for the past," Julchen scoffs, closing her eyes and snapping her head to the left as if I'd just offended her. "Instead..." she softens up, opening her gentle red orbs and looking sort of far off, a light and sad smile on her face. "Focus on making the people you love happy, in the present. You'd know that better than anyone, sis."

"I don't make people happy," I dismiss. "All I do is cry, and be angry all the time. That doesn't make anyone happy."

"Nonsense!" Julchen interrupts, holding up her hand by my face. "You make us all happy! Everyone you've met, they are happy. You know why? Because you're being you." She chuckles. "Me, vatti, and even - no, especially - Feliciano. Do you have any idea how long he's been waiting to see you after all these years?"

I guess I was just waiting, too.

He stood just at the crosswalk, ready and waiting to move to a large American city. His brother beside him complained endlessly about the fumes and people who just screamed, NEW YORK! He wasn't listening, though. The only thing he could think was, "She could be here. She could be here. We could finally be friends again. Talk to each other. Do things together. Laugh together. Just like we used to, yes? It's a nice idea."

But, why am I so sad now that you're here? Now that I've seen you after such a long time?

He didn't quite recognize her. In fact, it was all just hazy. What did she look like again? How could he have forgotten how his best friend looks? The girl he passed on the bus brushed hands with him. Butterflies exploded in the pit of his stomach. He didn't know why, but he thought the girl was beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Why am I so scared to love someone that I must've cared for all along?

He felt his heart beating loudly in his ears as he slid his number towards the busily-talking girl, too nervous to talk to her about it. With that, he fleed, surrendering to the safety of outside. "I want to meet again," he thought desperately. "Something about her... is familiar."

You're annoying and clingy, and I could tell that from the start. You cry a lot, you whine a lot, you miss a lot of qualities of a man. But you have something that replaces it all, Feliciano.

His body ached terribly as the lights flashed above his eyes. "Sir, sir, are you okay?!" He couldn't answer. He couldn't speak. So many memories hit him, so many realizations, that he didn't quite know what to think. He heard her wailing. He heard her shouting, cursing, yelling at herself. He wanted so badly to see her. To comfort her. To tell her everything he'd remembered. Happy... he only wants to be happy...

You have a heart of gold... you have a smile that could knock down any person any day... you have eyes that warm up an entire year's winter. You have... the ability to be happy.

He watched as she hit her head against the floor, shouting and screaming for help. His throat was scraped raw, tears rushing down his face. His broken leg ached more than before, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. He'd hurt her... he'd hurt her...

And you have my heart, too.