coffeehouse

quarante-six

3:00am. seokjin could not sleep, the bed felt way more empty than usual. his heart was aching for someone to hold him. that someone being namjoon. but was he really ready to see him though? that's what he couldn't decide. was he ready or was he just lonely.

he sat up and reached for his phone, namjoon texted him almost 10 minutes ago saying he missed him. he smiled slightly staring at the message before sliding up and opening the messages. he bit his bottom lip before typing up a response.

jinnie🪐
i miss you too

he quickly hit the power button and pushed his phone underneath his pillow. he stood up and walked to his dresser, opening it he pulled out a pair of grey sweat pants and a random thick sweater. quickly throwing the clothes on he walked into the kitchen to get himself a small drink to wash down the sahara desert that was his throat.

without a second thought he walked back to his room, grabbed his phone, that had two new messages from namjoon, his keys, and walked out of his apartment not forgetting to lock it just before leaving. he got in the car and threw his phone in the passenger seat and quickly drove away into the deserted roads of the night.

with only one person on his mind he sped down the road. he was eager to see namjoon again, eager to hug him, eager to feel him, eager to kiss him. no matter what happened, he wanted to end up in namjoon's arms that night. within 20 minutes he was pulling up to the gate of namjoon's home.

namjoon lied in bed staring up at the ceiling, seokjin hadn't texted him back but it was slightly expected. he sighed lowly getting ready to drift off into slumber, but he heard buzzing throughout the large house.

"who the fuck.." namjoon whispered to himself before standing and walking down stairs towards security system. when he looked at the camera he was shocked to see seokjin standing there hugging himself to protect himself from the harsh winter nights of seoul. he pressed the button opening the gate and the boy retreated back to his car to drive in. namjoon opened the door and stood patiently at the front door waiting for the boy to come in.

without a glance at namjoon, seokjin walked in the house and towards the living room. namjoon followed him, staying quiet, afraid that if he spoke seokjin would disappear as if he was just a figment of his imagination. this whole moment felt like surreal, as if namjoon was imagining the red cheeked boy was standing in his living room.

namjoon placed his hand in seokjin's shoulder, softly turning the boy around. seokjin flinched softly when namjoon touched him. namjoon's heart broke into millions of pieces, seokjin's eyes were wet with tears. namjoon's eyes trailed over to the right side of seokjin's face, the bruise was gone but the memory was still there.

"seokjin i'm so sorry." namjoon said just above a whisper. seokjin nodded blinking away the tears that so badly wanted to fall. his heart was racing, almost two weeks without seeing the younger yet he couldn't form any words whatsoever. he was completely blank. all of sudden the eagerness he had to see namjoon was gone.

it was like his mind was torturing him, replaying that night over and over again until he stepped away from namjoon. now he couldn't stop the tears from falling. like waterfalls replaced his eyes, he couldn't see through the water droplets that blurred his vision completely. he shook namjoon's hands off of him and stepped away from the male.

namjoon was confused, he didn't know what was going on with seokjin but he seemed like he was having a panic attack. namjoon tried to calm him down but the second he raised his hand to touch the male he violently flinched as if namjoon was going to hit him again.

namjoon stopped in his tracks, unsure of what to do next. afraid that he were to do anything seokjin would have a terrible reaction towards it. but he couldn't just not help him. so despite the crying and shaking namjoon wrapped his arms around the male and whispered sweet nothings into his ear. it took roughly 10 minutes to get the male to calm down but he did. now the two were sitting in the couch quietly with a pillow sized space in between them, separating them.

the air was thick with tension. seokjin didn't know if it was nervousness or regret he felt in the moment but either way he hated it. he wanted to see namjoon again and he acted out on impulse and jumped in the car to see him. while yes namjoon was happy to see him and happy that'd he taken a step forward to heal their relationship, something just felt wrong.

each time namjoon would get too close seokjin would flinch, and namjoon would visibly get upset about it. namjoon looked like a puppy who lost his favorite toy. he couldn't touch seokjin, he could barely talk to him, but at least he was allowed to sit quietly next to him. their hands were getting closer and closer by the minute. it took namjoon every single bone, every nerve, every cell to not grab the male and kiss him. he missed seokjin so much and yet, as he sat next to him, it didn't feel as if he was there.

"this was a mistake." seokjin mumbled before standing and getting ready to walk away. out of fear, namjoon grabbed the male by his hand and pulled seokjin into himself. seokjin gasped loudly but ultimately didn't pull away.

"seokjin please stay with me. i'm so so sorry for what i've done and nothing could ever excuse it. the time we spent apart showed me how much i need you. i don't know what came over me that night but i promise you i won't ever hurt you again seokjin, i-i l-"

i love you

he choked, he couldn't say it. if he said it would become real, it would show namjoon was truly only living for one person. seokjin. he's known for a long time now that he actually loves seokjin but he wasn't sure if the older felt the same. so instead of saying it and saving himself from the heartache he dropped his head low...