LOT'S MOUNTAIN

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: The Place of Losing

All the thoughts leak out of my head. My skin becomes like paper, old and crumbling paper that's slowly blackening in a fire.

I suck in a bunch of air. I can't breathe out, but I do breathe in ... and in ... and in. My lungs are two freaking balloons, getting bigger and bigger. Can't let any of the air out. God, can't they just burst? Can't they just fly into pieces?

Can't they ...

Dying would be better because this would all be over ...

Is my hand still on my chest? Hell, is my chest still here somewhere?

Can't think straight. Things are just ... thoughts ... can't hang onto them, can't focus, can't ... And then—

What was I talking about? Then ... well, then ...

It feels like dry, gritty sand is pouring into my mouth. It floods into me, scouring out everything that's me. There's nothing to reach toward, and nothing to climb up on.

Gotta get out ... Help me. Somebody freaking help me! I just ... I'm alone. All alone. But somebody help ... oh god ... help—

Ever watch ripples in a pond? Why the hell did that pop into my head? Can't think ...

I gotta get out of here ... Just gotta ... Everything's going all cold. But I don't care. Not about Bill, not about anything. Cold. Granddad Sam used to take Bill and me to the mountains and we'd take off our boots and socks. We'd feel that water against our feet ...

Where am I? I have to be somewhere. Am I going to run into everything I ever lost here? What is this place? The Place of Losing. That's what I'd call it. But it doesn't matter where I am. I've always liked pizza ... cheese with sausage and pepperoni ... I'm laughing, but no sound is coming out. Why the hell am I thinking about pizza right now? Thin crust ...

I wonder what's in my place? What's sitting there in the street instead of me? What did I find? A hubcap? A boot? Yeah, I've gotten stronger, but I only lost me, so it's hard to say what's there. Whatever it is, it's there and I'm here. Someone'll come across whatever it is and have no idea that I used to be there and that I'm not coming back.

I'm not proud of it, but the next thing I know, I'm crying. No one's coming to save me. It's like I'm swimming in circles with no land in sight.

This isn't like being with Granddad Sam, by the river. Well, maybe a little bit. I slip deeper into the cold that surrounds me and then feel it slip into me.

And I want to close my eyes. Is this how Jamie felt when she tried to off herself? Did she feel pieces of herself drain away? Jesus, I'm an asshole ...

It's so cold here.

My thoughts are like a two handfuls of marbles bouncing on a metal floor.

Once me and ... me and ... Bob ... no ... David ... No ... John? That's not right ... me and ...

Gone ... Gonnnne ...

Then I hear growling. I'm not back, but something's here in this nothing with me. Hearing it makes me focus a little more. More and more, I can see stuff —

There are things in this nothing. I can see warped trees and hear something like water (I didn't make anything like that disappear ... why is it here?).

And then I see two glowing eyes.

This is where I sent that Stone Hound, that one that tried to kill Imaru. Its fur has silver streaks and something thick like wet moss drips from its yellowed teeth.