Wasted Youth // Matty Healy ♣ The 1975

19~

'I miss you.' 

I hated how weak that message made me sound, we had only been apart for three days, but I hadn't been able to function in those three days, at all. In fact, it had gotten do bad that I was considering sending Olivia to school, but I couldn't risk her blabbering to people about our situation. 

Ben was supposed to be coming over, and the meer thought of that should have been enough to stop me from contacting Matty, but for some reason it wasn't, and he had asked me to drop Olivia off with a friend for a sleepover, which meant the one thing that I wasn't in the mood for, but maybe it would get Matty out of my head. 

It took a whole three minutes for Matty to reply. 

'What's wrong now?'

'Ben's coming round.' 

'Sex?'

'Seems inevitable.'

'Do you love him?'

'He's alright. Why?'

'No reason. I've got a date tonight, I just wanted to be reminded what being in a real relationship is like.' 

I didn't reply after that, partially because Ben arrived, but mainly because it felt, although I didn't want it to, like Matty had reached into my chest, grabbed my heart and pulled it roughly from my body.

As I opened the front door, I was greeted by Ben, gripping tightly onto a bunch of pink roses. He grinned at me, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. 

"Afternoon." He said, smiling at me in a way designed to make any girl's heart flutter. But not mine. 

I smiled softly. 

"You're so lovely." I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. He laughed as I squished the roses into his chest with mine. He probably thought this was because I was so overwhelmed with love for him that I couldn't possibly wait for him to put them down. 

I felt guilty as I kissed his lips with mine, which had touched Matty's only three days beforehand. 

"We'll have to be quiet, my mum's upstairs." I explained. Ben grinned at me. 

"Hey, how about we go to my house." He suggested. 

So we left the roses on the cabinet next to the door, I grabbed some things, said goodbye to my mum and left the house feeling more guilty than ever for multiple reasons. 

I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my winter coat, walknig uncomfortably as I felt his scrutinising gaze resting on me. 

It took a minute for me to gather up the confidence to look at him. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. He shrugged. 

"It's just... why are you doing that?" He asked me, pointing to my feet. I looked down and laughed, realising I had been subconciously skipping over the cracks in the paving slabs. 

"It's jsut something I do with Olivia. Avoiding the cracks. I guess I didn't realise that I was doing it." I laughed again, but stopped when I noticed the small crease in his forehead. 

"Okay..." He said. 

I frowned, no longer missing the cracks. 

I didn't talk to him until we got to his house. 

He lived in a big six bedroom house which he shared with five other rowdy people his age and older, which was why we didn't go there very often. 

The first time he took me there, it had been the complete opposite of what I had expected. 

I had imagined his mum and dad chatting happily in the kitchen while baking an apple crumble. I had imagined tons of family photos on any flat surface, warm colours and just a generally happy house that he grew up in, in stead I was greeted by five other terrifying people who basically had nothing to do with each other apart from the fact that they lived together and stole each other's weed. The only thing getting baked in his house were the people. 

This truly made me realise that he was human, and each time I went there, it hit me harder than the last. 

"Come on, let's go upstairs." He whispered, grabbing my hand and silently pulling me past the sitting room, the chipped pine door was shut, loud music was playing from the other side of it. I could feel the heavy bass shaking the floorboards. I was often surprised that nobody complained. 

The second we got into Ben's room, he shut the door, looking flustered and anxious, suddenly my heart twisted. Fucking hell. 

Ben did not belong there. Everyone knew that. Ben was gentle and kind and dorky and tall. Ben wore cute glasses that hid his vibrant blue eyes that were already hidden by his dark circles and thick eyelashes. 

I brushed my hands through his fluffy dirty blond hair and watched as he sighed. 

"Do you want to...?" He asked. I nodded my head softly. 

"Yeah." I said. He wrapped his arms around me and looked at my face. 

He unbuttoned my wool coat while I slipped my shoes off my feet.

He pushed my coat off my shoulders and I shut my eyes, hooking my thumbs into the elsticated waist of my skirt, pulling it down my legs along with my tights. 

Ben tugged my shirt over my head and kissed my shoulder as I began unbuttoning his jeans.