The Will To

T W E N T Y - E I G H T (black hole)

My favorite thing about Talia's studio was the temperature. No matter the season, it was always a mild seventy degrees. It was a constant, and despite the outside conditions, I always acclimated to the just-right air inside. That afternoon as Rey and I stepped through the front doors, my skin shed its frozen layer.

"Oh, you did it," Cindy, the front desk-receptionist, said in awe, smiling as her small, blue eyes shrank. She lifted a large hand and motioned us closer. "Where'd you find him? Off the street?"

Rey laughed nervously, scanning his immediate surroundings.

"You underestimate me," I said, causing Cindy to arch a brow. "I have guy friends, believe it or not."

Rey's strange laughter stopped immediately. He approached the front counter as Cindy curiously inspected him. She asked, "Tell us the truth then. Will threatened you to get you here, right?"

Rey shifted and leaned against the edge of the counter, smirking. "What's your definition of threatened? She did tell me that if I didn't come with her that my entire family would suffer the consequences, but that's just normal friendship, right?"

I rolled my eyes as a high-pitched giggle sounded behind the counter. Cindy reached for a clipboard and handed it to Rey. "Here," she said. "Fill this out." Rey accepted it and started writing the required information, handing it back to Cindy once he'd finished. "Best of luck to you and your family. Will's tough but she does keep her promises. Just do what she says and everything'll be fine."

Rey's eyes met mine. "Yeah, I'm not scared at all."

x

Considering I'd abducted Rey and brought him here without so much as a warning, he didn't come prepared with the clothes necessary for a self defense class. Three other guys were present, most of whom were the significant others of a few of the women enrolled in the class, and one guy had lent Rey a shirt and pair of mesh shorts which were a bit too large in the waist. While Rey wasn't short by any means, he was swimming in them and constantly had to hike them up.

I sent him a mischievous grin every time our eyes locked and he returned the kind gesture flaring his eyes and yanking up the shorts.

Talia had been delighted by Rey's presence, and a bit intrigued. She'd peppered him with questions before class started, mainly geared at uncovering the nature of our relationship. Her smooth cheeks widened when Rey explained that we'd met in class and had become inseparable since, to which I again rolled my eyes.

This was the last self-defense class of the series before Christmas. We'd have four more to complete in January before finishing, and it was the first one that included male volunteers to assist in learning techniques. It was actually the first class out of the three series that I'd taken to include men, but I was excited as it was sure to give a more realistic simulation on how to escape holds. Rey looked one hundred percent nervous.

As I looked at my flushed cheeks and messily pulled back hair in the mirror, I felt the same sense of power as I always felt during these classes. Unbridled anger had been running wild in me since the latest rape, and it was rearing to the surface. I was ready for the hour that it could be channeled.

After completing the warm up, Talia explained that we'd be practicing escaping holds for the remainder of class. We'd be learning to escape three different ones: the choke hold, bear hold, and a headlock. She'd covered the specific moves and demonstrated at the front of the class, using a guy with light hair and strong chin who'd she introduced as her nephew, Steven. He seemed well-versed in the moves.

Talia wrapped up her demonstration and instructed the four women she'd just selected to partner up with the four available men. Wendy, a middle-aged woman with fluffy hair and a mousy face, approached Rey, and he happily agreed to be her partner. With the rest of us speckled around the side of the studio, the four women began practicing escaping the choke hold from their respective partners.

Some had an easier time of it than others. The moves were tacky at first, not fluid and a bit uncertain. Rey was constantly apologizing to Wendy, who was struggling to close the gap between her chin and Rey's arm, as to prohibit him from wrapping his other arm around her neck. He sent me a grimace when Wendy managed to finally place both hands along his forearm and take the side step needed to send a fist to his groin, and I felt the corner of my mouth rise.

Things progressed. The women practiced escaping the three holds. Labored breathing circulated around us with only Talia speaking when she needed to give direction. For fifteen minutes the four women constantly tried to break out of the holds, and the sight began to stir something in me. It wasn't the anger I'd come prepared with. It was darker, deeper. The void inside of me began to come alive. Flashes of something I preferred to stay inside played behind my eyes, and my chest constricted.

When the four women completed their training, she called my name and three others. Still fighting the darkness inside of me, I mindlessly traipsed to the center of the studio, unaware that another woman, Kylie, had approached Rey and asked him to be her partner. She was a sophomore at WSU and rather pretty with her silky black hair and fair skin. I was hit with a wave of irritation when Rey, after eyeing me, reluctantly agreed to partner with her, but it was quickly quashed by the black swell in my stomach. I felt sick.

Talia's nephew, Steven, had become my partner. He had clear eyes with ears that stuck out and appeared entirely nonthreatening. Still, the sickness churned.

Instructions rang through the studio. I didn't hear them. They were muffled. Everyone else got into position, and I did the same, vaguely aware that I was lagging behind. My pulse hammered in my ears and my vision clouded. Talia said something and, all of a sudden, an arm was around my throat.

My chest burst. Pain seared around my neck. My tongue went numb. The pressure around my neck grew tighter. Panic. Everything inside of me buzzed in the worst way. The man continued to hold me. The places where his body touched mine were on fire. They screamed with pain. More panic. It overtook everything. I needed to escape.

I closed my eyes as my vision became more blurry, and then I saw it. As clear as it had been two years ago. The black wolf mask. It was all around me. It enclosed me. It wanted me. There was no escape. It lived inside of me. The pressure around my throat was unbearable.

A strangled cry echoed around the room, and when I crumpled towards the floor onto all fours, I realized it had been me. My cry. It enclosed me like the man's body had. My fear wouldn't let me escape. The black wolf mask still penetrated my vision.

"What did you do to her?!" A pair of feet were at my side.

"I didn't—I was just—just doing the—"

"What'd you do?!" the voice called again. It was Rey.

"I don't know! I don't—I was just doing what we practiced—and then she—she just collapsed!—I swear, I didn't—"

Rey kneeled down beside me. Salt. I tasted salt. It was warm and wet and covered my cheeks. My hands throbbed and threatened to give out under my weight. So much painful, heavy weight. My heart felt like it was going to explode.

"Hey. Hey," Rey said softly. "Will, are you okay?"

His voice chased away the black mask. It cut through the darkness. My vision was still blurred but it was so because of my tears. Rey's warm eyes were visible through them, and I needed that warmth. I needed his comfort. My arms gave out and I lunged into his chest, resting my head along his shoulder. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around me as his hand gently cradled the back of my neck. I cried. I cried and cried, releasing all of my darkness as his warmth filled its place. He mumbled something and I relaxed into him further, never before having felt so safe.

But I was a black hole, a festering wound, and my gravity worked quickly. All of the darkness I'd released came rushing back, weighing me right back down. Right where I belonged. Shame. It was there and it overpowered everything else. Pulling away from Rey, I wiped my tear-soaked eyes and glanced around the room, spotting the shocked and curious faces of everyone else.

Detaching myself from him, I climbed to my feet and raced from the room, heading outside where my black hole made me hide in the cold with Rey's warmth long gone. 

xxx

A/N: PTSD can be caused from various events and have a variety of effects. It can present with upsetting memories, lack of sleep, and/or feeling on edge. But there are also effective treatments. If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of PTSD, please visit: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/