HURTS LIKE HELL

1. The New Boys

Kara

Not like I hadn't seen the scene before, where a girl becomes nothing but the ruin the world made her.

My back was pressed against the brick wall, the coldness piercing my spine. I brought my knees closer to my chest; my clothes drenched, hair soaked and blood dripping down my arm. I blankly watched my blood mix with the water pooling around me and dully wondered why this was my reality. Why this was anyone's.

This shouldn't be. 

This wasn't fair. 

Every part of my body ached. I could barely move. I was numb. I felt bitter. I've become bitter. 

I didn't want to feel anything. 

I wanted to disappear.  

Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes and sighed. "I'm . . so tired."

I winced after attempting to move my hand, the splinters of glass still buried deep in my skin. When I peeled open my eyes, the night sky welcomed me with nothing but darkness. The rain seemed endless and so did time. How much longer do I have to be here?

Everything hurts so much.

The pain in my chest so excruciating . . . 

I lost it all. 

I thought of many things, of everything that brought back the pain . . . . and I couldn't stop it. When it comes, it doesn't go. It just stays there, forever.

Do you ever wonder why you're here? Not in a place, but existing. Why you're alive when others aren't? I started wondering that often these days, and just like the pain I couldn't stop it. 

I can't stop anything.

I wanted to cry, rip my heart out and tear myself apart.

I should have. 

But I didn't.

And that hurted more than anything, because I had to live just wanting to do those things but never doing.

. . . . . .

The sky was depressing, like literally every single day for the past week. Rain splattered on the high-glass windows of the school cafeteria while I headed towards our empty table and my usual seat. When I sat, I stared out the window and just watched the rain fall, because apparently that's what I liked to do. It's been raining a lot lately, was it mocking me? Mixed noises filled the place as students entered, disturbing my rare seconds of peace. I folded my arms over my chest and continued staring outside, trying to block them all out. 

"Hey, hun", Lily greeted before placing down her tray and taking a seat beside me. I looked to see today's lunch and it turned out to be mac & cheese. As predicted, I didn't have an appetite. Although I loved mac & cheese, I just couldn't eat. I couldn't eat it.  And for the first time in my life, mac & cheese looked disgusting to me. "Not eating lunch?", she asked, already knowing the answer. 

I shook my head and tried not to let the worried look on her face get to me. Lily only forced a small smile before nodding, thinking it was better not to say anything as it has been going on for a long time now. My appetite has always been weird. I rarely ate like a normal person these days, but I wasn't even worried about myself. Lily must have been too tired to argue with me and honestly, I was too.