Down Went Ella

2: Drifting

What is this life?

I've been drifting this Earth, nobody acknowledging me for weeks, even my own family. I gave up staying at home, it hurt way to much to stay. Watching them all mourn for me and grieving so heavily. I don't think I've even really gotten over it myself.

At first I balled my eyes for the first two weeks not even beginning to know what to do with myself. What was a dead girl meant to do anyway, it's not like anyone can speak to me? It's so lonely, I'm all on my own now. It used to be that I loved my solitude, but now, now I crave an ounce of attention.

I float through the streets night and day, doing nothing at all. What can I do though? But I've realized I can take form, like become somewhat solid at times. It drains the energy from me, I literally feel like I'll fly away in the wind and dissipate into nothingness. Honestly sometimes I believe that wouldn't be so bad. At my memorial it over took me for the first time.

"Why! Why did someone take my baby!" My mother wailed against my fathers chest. He looked so broken standing hunched over mom and silent tears pouring from blue eyes that looked shattered.

"Oh mom." I had to get closer, be near my loving parents especially while they hurt so deeply.

I rushed over the grass it felt like the wind was helping me glide to them, lifting me more so above the ground. It was just starting to snow and everyone was bundled up tight in fur lined clothing and heavy duty scarves. What a beautiful way to grieve a loss, heart cold and aching while the Earth cried freezing tears. Poetic some might even say.

My ashes were condensed into a breath taking diamond about the size of an almond, that's all that was left of me. I was grateful my parents remembered I hated the thought of rotting in the ground, but for some reason I wished to see my body. I always hated the thought of laying in a casket encased in cement, never giving back to the planet I lived on. Yet now I wanted to see myself no matter how painful it might be.

When I reached my parents I leaped closer to give them a hug, but they both just cried and shivered harder, bundling up tighter into each other. My touch caused that, caused them discomfort and that hurt most of all. I couldn't even give them a bit of relief to their suffering, couldn't comfort them in the slightest.

"I'm sorry dad." I croaked, everything was so messed up. My life wasn't supposed to be like this, not in a million years could I predict this.

"What should I do mama, I'm scared and lost, what am I to do?" I questioned, but I might as well be talking to a wall.

"She was such a sweet girl, never hurt a soul and only wanted to make people smile. She was my artsy baby." Mom hiccuped, clutching tighter to my father.

"Please don't cry momma." I walked closer and reached out a tentative hand, almost afraid of how she might react.

The moment I had contact with her, her eyes went wide and she looked straight at me, well through me. Please see me. I desperately wanted her to see me, just a glimmer so she knew I was still here, that I still had life in my non beating heart. No such luck, instead she turned away with tears pouring into my fathers chest.

I don't know what I expected to happen. Nobody sees the dead I guess.

With that I forced myself to spin on my heels and walk away slowly from my friends and family. I mean how could I sit idly by and watch them suffering.

This is so unfair, why did he kill me, I just don't get it? He said he was setting me free, releasing me in some sick minded way, but what did that mean? I certainly didn't understand it or feel free in an understanding of the word. He also said something about it being my time, what the fuck did he mean by that? None of this makes sense!