Coming Home

nine.

The last few months of university were a struggle.

During those months, you tried very hard to get back up on your feet again. You can't lie and say it wasn't a struggle because it was. Staying in the house all the time didn't help, because memories surrounded you. You did spend almost 14 years growing up in this house after all. At one point, you thought, "Should I sell this house and get my own apartment?" but you couldn't. As you mentioned, you made a lot of memories in this house. As much as it killed you because your parents weren't here anymore, you knew that it would kill you if you did sell it. You didn't have a job, and was there a need to do that? You were fortunate enough to have a house in the first place. You felt you were overreacting.

In the beginning, you didn't feel like going into campus for lectures, still wanting to stay inside. As much as you needed to leave the house, since it wasn't good to be cooped up indoors for too long, you were in too much pain to leave your home.

Your professors knew what you were going through and were kind enough to record the lectures and send over presentations to you via email, so you could catch up with things in your own time.

Over time, you slowly started going back. Whether it'd be once a week, once every 2 weeks, you were starting to get back up again while at the same time, learning how to deal with grief.

But, it wasn't always a smooth journey.

You would have days where you would curl up in your bed, crying, as you think back to that moment when you learnt of your parent's death. And then you would have days where you would have the motivation to get out of bed, doing the best you can for the day, whether it's making some breakfast or doing some laundry. You didn't want your parents to worry about you.

You told yourself, "One step at a time". Small steps are still progress, right?

Soon enough, you were having more happy days than sad days, with huge support from the people in your life.

You were grateful for your friends who made time to visit you, making and bringing food and anything essential you needed. They wanted to make sure you were okay and looking after yourself, even though they were busy studying for the last of their exams. Sometimes they would text you, saying that they left some things for you at your doorstep, in case you didn't feel like having visitors that day or just as a surprise from them.

Jaehyun's parents checked up on you every day, whether it was bringing you homemade food, or quick calls to ensure you were doing well. They pretty much adopted you into the family; you were like a daughter to them after all. His parents didn't want to see you live in pain for the rest of your life, and they were sure your parents didn't want to see that either.

And what about your best friend, Jaehyun? Did you ever get around to telling him about your parents?

No, you didn't.

Well, Jaehyun's mum was the one that told him. He found out about a week after you had told your friends.

Of course, you had planned to tell him at some point because you did say to his parents that you would in your own time. However, because you were still grieving over the death of your parents and, at the same time, trying to back up on your feet again, you still didn't figure out when. When you were at the hospital, you did think about telling him as soon as you got home, but you never did.

Maybe it was because you didn't want him to worry about you. You didn't want him to give up on his dreams and make him lose focus. You knew that he would be devastated that he was not there to comfort you and be by your side. Knowing Jaehyun, he'd probably do something stupid like dropping out of university the last minute or booking the next flight back home just to be with you even if he had an exam the next day.

Sometimes, the things he did for you or things he said, made you wonder if he liked you more than a best friend. But you were always one to overthink, and you never wanted to expect too much, so you pushed the thought to the back of your mind.

When you isolated yourself from everyone, you were also trying to ignore his texts and calls. You didn't want Jaehyun to worry about you, so whenever Jaehyun called or wanted to FaceTime you, you would either cancel or ignore the calls. You would text him an excuse saying that you were busy or at a lecture.

Soon enough, the phone calls and texts became less and less. You pretty much ended up ghosting him, and he was getting fed up. You didn't want to do that, but you couldn't think straight at that time. It was getting to a point where you hadn't sent a single text to him for about a month. He tried to call you a few times, but you never picked up. It was almost like you had disappeared from the face of the earth.

Jaehyun thought maybe you were just too caught up with uni. He knew what you were like during exam seasons, so he didn't want to disturb you or anything. He still texted you but tried to keep it to a minimum. However, he was getting worried about you. He was concerned about your health, because he knew how stressed you could get to the point where you would neglect yourself.

He was also starting to think that maybe he had done something wrong. Was it something he said that made you stop talking to him? Were you trying to distance yourself from him on purpose because you didn't want to be friends with him anymore? Jaehyun was scared of losing you.

He wanted answers, but since you wouldn't pick up his calls or reply to any of his texts, he called his parents one day to see what was going on.

On the phone call, he asked about you, and his mum insisted that you were okay. But Jaehyun wouldn't take that for an answer. He knew that his mum was lying and felt something was going on. His mum kept telling him that she couldn't tell him, but Jaehyun begged his mum, and she could feel how sad he was getting. He even said he would book a flight one weekend to see you, but in the end, she told him that your parents had passed away. She didn't go into too much detail because she knows you'd want to tell him yourself when you were ready to.

Jaehyun was so heartbroken for you. He couldn't imagine how you felt when you found out how much pain you were in. He wished he was there with you, so you weren't alone. He wanted to hold you in his arms as close and tight as he could to show you that you were safe with him. He wanted to protect you from all the pain you were suffering from.

After the phone call, Jaehyun immediately sent a text to you.

You were curled up on the couch at that time. You paid no attention to a random show playing on the TV, only acting as background noise while scrolling on your phone. You were about to get up to go to the bathroom when you heard a ping from your phone, seeing that Jaehyun sent you a text.

JAE: "Mum told me everything. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm always here if you need me. I promise 💚"

At that moment, you thought that maybe now was the time to talk to him about it. So, you went to the bathroom, and when you came back, you called him. Within a few seconds, Jaehyun picked up and as soon as he said your name, you burst into tears. It's like all your pent up emotions about everything just popped out. You missed talking to him and hearing his voice.

You and Jaehyun talked for hours. Your chest felt less heavy, and it felt so good to talk to him again.