Coming Home

fourteen.

At the age of 24, Jaehyun's never felt so stupid in his life.

[27th DEC. 2021]

Jaehyun was in his office, munching on his lunch. He had just gotten off a phone call with you. It was a very brief one since you had to go back to work.

He was casually looking through his phone when suddenly, a notification popped up, saying that there's a new memory from his Photos app. It was a video he had saved on his phone thanks to his mum sending it to him one day. It was from the time when you and Jaehyun were bundled up in your oversized coats, down on the ground with your arms and legs moving up and down to create snow angels on the bed of snow when you guys were 8 years old.

He remembered feeling so excited he could run out of his house, do a little u-turn and end up right at your front door in a split second. He remembered stretching his arm up to ring the doorbell and asking you to make a snowman with him. He showed you snow angels and remembered seeing his mum recording videos of you and him playing in the snow together for the first time.

He was so excited to have become best friends with you in the first place. And with you just living right next door to each other as well? He was over the moon.

Watching that video made him look through the photos he took over the years with you.

He comes across several pictures taken at prom back in high school. Both of you making goofy faces in a couple of selfies and pictures with your friends. It makes him think back to the time you both kissed. He remembers thinking to himself, "Is this what love feels like? Is this what it feels like to kiss the one you love?"

When you removed your lips from his, not even a second later, he wanted to kiss you again. And that's exactly what he did. He wanted to be in that moment for as long as he could.

When you both pulled away another time, he felt his heart beating like crazy, making him feel all sorts of emotions for you, love, adoration, warmth. He thought he was going crazy. But he just wanted to kiss you again and again. He started to feel nervous, because he was scared that you would think it was a mistake, but that look you had on your face told a different story. It gave him the courage to kiss you again, but his teammates suddenly turned up and dragged him away.

Throughout the whole night, he couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. It was the day he realised that he had feelings for you, feelings beyond your friendship.

Swiping through more pictures, he stops at one where you and he were sitting in front of the Christmas tree, with Santa hats on your heads at his house when you and his parents went over for dinner. He remembers the way your eyes glistened and that smile you had on your face when he gave you the necklace you wanted.

He loved to see you smile and loved it when the reason for your smiles and laughter was because of him. He vowed to himself that he would never make you cry, apart from if it's happy tears. He would try to keep you smiling and laughing for as long as he's alive and with you.

But that changed a few months later when he told you he was moving away for university.

On that day, just earlier, he was with you and your parents, watching videos of when you were little before you and Jaehyun met. As well as videos your parents had taken when you and Jaehyun would hang out when you were kids. The new year gatherings, the summer holidays, the Christmas holidays. He remembers asking your mum to send him the videos if she could so he could use it to tease you with it whenever you annoyed him or when he felt like it.

When you guys were out at the park, he was so nervous because he decided he would tell you right there and then. He was scared at how you were going to react to the news.

He had gotten confirmation of his place at the university a few days ago, and he was thinking about how to tell you. He didn't want to tell you so soon, but he only had about 4 months left before he had to move abroad. He didn't want to tell you at the last minute when he knew it would break your heart even more, and he could never do that to you.

It killed him when he saw you react the way you did. You looked so hurt.

You started to walk away from him without saying a word. He was confused when you reacted like that. Weren't you supposed to be happy for him because his dream finally came true?

He started to chase after you, and while he did, he thought maybe he should've confessed. He thought about confessing his feelings for you on this day but decided not to as he knew that it would make it harder for him to leave. And what if you didn't feel the same way? What was he going to do? He didn't want to risk your friendship at the time, especially when he was going to move away soon, and so, he thought he would tell you about the move instead. He thought it was the right thing to do.

He never wanted to see you cry, ever, so it broke his heart when you did. And it broke his heart even more that he was the reason for your tears when he vowed to himself that he would never make you cry.

It was a complete 180 to how you were earlier when you were all gathered in the living room, smiling and laughing at the memories made when you guys were kids.

When he held you so tightly, he understood why you reacted that way because if it were the other way round, he would've reacted the same way.

I mean, your best friend, who you've known almost your entire life and who you love with all your heart, was moving away from you. Who knows when and if you'll see them again. Things can happen, and things can change.

He didn't want to leave you, but he didn't want to give up on his dreams.

Counting down the days until Jaehyun's flight, he thought you were so cute that you kept clinging onto him, even more so than when you were kids. You didn't want to let go of him, and he didn't want to let go of you either. You promised each other that you would keep in contact as much as you could, which is what you did.

Until during the last few months of uni, you stopped texting him and answering his calls before exam season began. It was like he never existed in your life. You disappeared all of a sudden without saying anything to him. He thought that maybe you just got distracted with studying because he knew how much you wanted to graduate. That you were pressuring yourself, maybe too much, and he didn't want you to do that. He thought you were spending all of whatever free time you had in the library or studying in your room. If he were still there in Seoul, he would've come over to your house and dragged you away from your desk and outside of your home to force yourself to take a break.

He thought he should confess his feelings for you. Maybe it would help to get through the stress you were probably having. He hoped it would give you extra love and support to help cheer you on.

He kept texting and calling you, wanting to talk to you, hoping to give you some encouragement, but no answers.

As time went by, he was getting increasingly worried, which is why he pressed for an answer from his mum.

For a second, he thought he just lost his chance of confessing to you. He should've told you how he felt a long time ago. But that didn't matter and that thought didn't cross his mind anymore as soon as Jaehyun found out about your parents had passed away because at that time, his main priority was to be there for you as much as he could, like he always had been but even more so than ever.

He was absolutely devastated. He felt so guilty because exam season was approaching, so it killed him that he couldn't be there with you when all he wanted to do was to comfort you and to hold you. If he could, he would've been there in a heartbeat.

He was happy to have heard your voice for a while when you finally called him, but it crushed his heart when he heard your broken voice and tears when you talked to him about your parent's death which is never an easy thing to do.

He remembers telling you how brave and strong you were to keep going and wanting to do the best you could for the sake of your parents. It's one of the things he loves about you. The fact that you never want to fail and you always try to push yourself to the end. You always try not to give up so quickly, and Jaehyun admires you a lot for that. It's taught him not to give up so easily.

You promised him that you would do your best and he promised you, and himself that you would get the biggest hug ever as soon as he could see you again and that he would never leave your side.