Still I Try

T I L L Y

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My name is Tilly Cross. When I was thirteen I was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Only the people closest know. Except for Tony.

Tony Smith: a smoker. My boyfriend. A smoker. No matter how much I insist he still smokes. Still I try.

I haven't told him I have lung cancer. I want him to give up on his own terms. Not for me. Because when I'm gone I'm afraid he'll start up again and smoking will eventually kill him. I don't want that.

I don't want anyone to leave. Not for me.

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"Tilly, how are you feeling?" Dr Jane asked me.

"Not so great," I replied honestly.

"Yes?" Dr Jane monitored for me to go on and she took out her clipboard.

"The pains in my chest have been getting worse and every time someone smokes I have this, like, burning feeling in my chest."

"Have you been around any smokers lately?"

"Yes," I muttered.

"Yes?" Dr Jane questioned.

"My boyfriend, Tony."

"Ah I see, now, does he know about your condition?"

"No," I answered blankly.

"Why?"

I honestly didn't know how to answer that.

Because I'm too scared of the answer.

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"Tony please, can you stop?" I asked him as the smoke curled around his face.

"It's not hurting anyone is it?" He said carelessly.

I bit back a reply. Yeah, you're killing me and your lungs.

I just shrugged, "it could though."

I loved him but I didn't love his habit that was killing me.

"Where were you this morning?" Tony asked worriedly.

"Oh, me? I was - uh, at the doctors."

"Why? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just have a little bit of a cough." Tony nodded relaxing a bit. Some of that was true. I do have a cough. A horrible cough because of my lungs. But I wasn't at the doctors, I was at the hospital.

"I've got a surprise for you tonight!" Tony smiled, his brown eyes sparkling.

"Oh yes?" I raised my eyebrows. "Now what would that be?"

"Then it wouldn't be a surprise would it?" He chucked his cigarette away but the air still reeked of smoke. "Just meet me outside of Pret on the main street at seven okay?"

"Okay." I smiled. He lent down and pecked me on the lips but I nearly chocked as the smoke flooded into my lungs. I coughed and spluttered as my chest burnt.

"Shiz, are you okay Tilly?"

"You need to give up smoking Tony," I rasped.

"I try."

"Not hard enough," I said harshly. "I'll see you at seven." Then I left his apartment leaving Tony with a sad expression on his face. He's tried to give up but he always resorts back to smoking. Still I try.

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