All these years

Chapter 25

The air was cold and the gras covered with white frost. Catherine was watching Maggie and Olivia playing catch, while Susan and Jeffrey were leaning at the fence. Their breath caused little clouds. Mostly Jeffrey was talking to his sister. He seemed rather angry, but Susan was listening calm as ever. Sometimes she laid her hand soothing on his forearm. Catherine was sitting in a beach chair on the big porch. Her legs covered with a woollen blanket.

It was four days past New Year and they had decided to stay at Susan and David's house for the rest of the holidays. The atmosphere between Catherine and Jeffrey was as frosty as the weather since the Christmas dinner. They rather talked to each other. Only the main stuff, like food etc.

They still slept in the same room but if they were alone there was no conversation at all. No kissing, no touching and of course no sex.

David stepped out on the porch with two mugs filled with milky tea.

"There you go. That'll warm you up.", he said giving one mug to Catherine and then sat down in the other beach chair next to her.

"It's not getting better.", David said after a while.

"I don't know what to do?", Catherine admitted and started to sob.

"It's definitely complicated, but do you really feel like that. You know, sometimes we say things, when we are angry, but we don't really mean it like that. I think Jeffrey is a very tolerant man. And I don't know how I would deal with something like that. I mean seeing my wife snogging another guy. I think it's really extraordinary that he was that calm. But I think you messed it up, when you called Will your boyfriend."

Catherine remembered what she said in the heated situation outside her parent's house that day: "You have no right to pair off my boyfriend with that slut." But the problem was that she meant it and everything in that sentence was true. It was the first time in years that she spoke out openly about her feelings towards Will. It was something she had hidden inside of her for so long, that she almost forgot about it. But with his presence during the past months, all these feelings were back again.

"You really think of him as your boyfriend?", David asked with a low voice, as if he don't want to be accidently overheard by anyone in the garden.

"Yes. He's still my boyfriend. We never broke up. And I still love him.", Catherine whispered back somehow relieved to speak it out for the first time, but at the same time shocked that she had admitted this to her brother-in-law.

"But he left you. Isn't that like breaking up?", David asked sceptical.

"No, it never felt like that. He was just not there anymore, but that didn't stop my feelings for him.", Catherine admitted.

"But why did you get together with Jeff? Why did you marry him?", David was getting more and more confused.

"Because I love Jeffrey.", Catherine said and smiled at David with teary eyes.

"Do you really love both equally?", David asked.

"I don't know. The last time I was in the situation that I had to make a decision, I couldn't do it. And nothing changed that. I just can't decide. I love them both. And I want to be with them."

"I understand... Or I guess I do...", David stammered. "I'm not saying that I know how to solve that, but maybe it helps if you allow yourself to think outside the box. What if the solution to your problem is not to make a decision? Maybe you don't have to choose."

"David, what do you mean? I can't be with both of them. This is not possible. I should break up with Will, should I? I messed it up. I can't destroy my family only because he's back. I can't leave Jeffrey. He's my strength, my safe haven, my everything. You can't imagine how bad I feel, seeing that I hurt him with my behaviour. I thought a lot about how it would turn out, if Will haven't left me the day I told him about my feelings for Jeff. It was like the other way around: I was with Will and developed a crush for Jeff. I hated myself for it and tried to suppress it over 2 years. I tried to convince myself that I could see him just as a good friend, but I also felt that he was attracted to me and the only thing that was holding him back, was his friendship with Will. I wasn't even sure, what I was doing, when I told Will about these feelings. I never told him, that it was Jeff, but deep inside I hoped he would reacted differently. I opened up about my feelings to him, because he would understand it. He was always very understanding and open, so I thought it would be the right thing to do. But it was wrong. I hurt him. I literally saw his heart breaking when I looked into his eyes. And now? I'm doing the same thing again, but to Jeffrey. I hurt everybody around me. Will, Jeff, Isy, just everyone... I'm the worst person in the world.", Catherine started sobbing again and tried to brush away the tears that were constantly dripping out of her eyes.