After Thoughts

Chapter One

Chapter One: Desperate

"How desperate can you be?" 

How desperate could I be? It is a question that has been swinging around in my head along with many others of my own. It was the last question you had asked me before you ended things. One of many questions that stuck with me.

You knew how desperate I would be for you. Only you had known. You saw me begging, crying and pleading. Doing anything as long as it meant that I could keep you. You could easily get what you wanted, and you did, with how desperate I was - probably still am.

However, the day you had asked me that question it wasn't aimed to be pleasing - or an obnoxious joke that you like to make along with the other hurtful ones - you had asked this to hurt me when I just wanted you to notice me again. I didn't picture it to go so wrong.

Then again - everything I did was wrong in your eyes.

It wasn't always like that, Ethen. 

You had actually liked me when I had met you. You actually wanted me to notice you and to like you back. You tried everything to get my attention - I was new in collge, even though I was dating someone at the time, you did not let that stop you.

I thought of it as cute, as in "no-one-will-ever-do-this-for-me" kinda way. I thought that you really liked me and wanted me. That you need me as much as I needed someone like you at that time.

My boyfriend, Michael, at the time, he wasn't like you. He wasn't fun, outgoing or smooth like you. He was determined and hard working. He was out of college already, had finished the year prior, and wanted to start with his life. He got a job and studied further online - barely had time for me.

I felt neglected and craved for attention - even if it was from you.

I am still today so much upset about it that I feel disgusted with myself. Michael and I were still dating when you took me on a date, smooth talked me into falling for you.

***

"Hi, Claire? Right?" You grinned at me when I looked over the book I was reading upon hearing my name. I could feel my cheeks flush when I spot your white-teeth-dimpled smile. I instantly felt the guilt dip in my stomach and regret my reaction.

What would Michael think of you?

"Uh - yeah...hi?" I frown questioningly back at you and your smile just seems to get bigger. I couldn't help the shy smile spreading across my lips as well, but a grunt next to me made me break eye contact with you. Tasha, who is next to me also reading some book, gave me a weary look. 

It was probably where the first sign of red waved at me bright and clear, but I bluntly ignored it.

"I am Ethen." You just kept on being charming without a beat, like we weren't just interrupted by a very upset looking Tasha. Like I wasn't a total stranger sitting in a desk at college in a room that I have never noticed you before. 

How have I not noticed you? You are so charming and attractive. Where did you come from? 

You had a big built - like you gym a lot and you had a charming face with dimples and long lashes around your forest green eyes. Your hair flops over your forehead and you seem to carry yourself with so much confidence. Like you know who you are and who you will be.

Something I lack off.

After class it was a free period and Tasha and I were making our way to the little coffee shop across from us - Mary's Coffee and Cake. She seemed off at that time, and I was too consumed with the idea of you talking to me in class that I didn't realise her brooding until we sat down.