Prologue

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ARE YOU A MALE OR FEMALE? That was the first question. CAN YOU HANDLE A FIREARM? Was the second. I should’ve just put the test down and walked out right then and there, but of course I was too stupid to even think about what the 75 questions on the legal sized piece of paper meant. I cringe, even now, when I think of the moment that I turned that damned thing in. I cringe as I think of the whole ordeal, all the pain and loneliness I went through. But I would do it again, if you asked me too, just to be able to feel like I did in the end. Call me an adrenaline junkie, call me crazy, but I’m not joking. What I went through up there, well, it changed me to the core. The soul, some would say. Being all alone in the wilderness was terrifying, but the way I felt after, when I was rescued and said we did it alone. Oh yeah, I felt like I ruled the world. He was different, though, the wilderness had changed his core, too. No longer was the boy who cracked jokes and loved to be the center of everything. I guess that the weight he had to carry during those long days took a number on him. He hates to even think about going back, but for me, he would. We argue sometimes over it. He doesn’t understand my obsession with feeling empowered. Rather, the feeling of safety takes priority over my so-called ‘immature’ need for attention. It will take days for me to start talking to him again, but I always do. Sometimes I feel like he isn’t afraid of making me mad, for he knows my psychological need for his protection. But I know he deserves it, he’s the reason I’m still alive.

While up there, the days would pass without a word. It was so silent, sometimes I would find myself unconsciously talking out loud to ease my need for noise. I guess that’ s when the worst of it started, when I began to talk to myself and people no longer for this world...But, once again he is the reason for my survival. He never seemed to ever get overwhelmed, although I am aware that that was just a facade for my well-being. So, when my soliloquy became scary for him-I must admit I don’t remember much from that specific period of time, so I honestly have no idea what I was talking about-he began conversations. But, the details are for a later time.

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