Crossing all the lines

Loveless

She told me "Babe I only think of you". And I said "You don't cross my mind, you live in it". Back then I thought nothing would ever change between us, I thought we had found our bond. The one that no one could ever break, even during our darkests days. But she did, she broke it when she decided to lie to me. I didn't end this relationship, she did. And that's what hurt the most. It had been three weeks since I had dropped out of school, pretending to be sick and to be needing rest. My parents were being supportive, thinking I was going through my first break up, and sure they were right, but they didn't know how bad I actually felt, they gave me time though, allowing me to stay home for a while until I felt comfortable enough to leave me bed. I had spent these two weeks hiding between pillows and warm sheets, hoping that when another day would show up, things would have changed, that suddenly everything would be perfect again, but that's not how life works. You actually have to face what's been hurting you at some point. So yes, you're allowed to say no, you're allowed to break down and to feel whatever emotion you're feeling. But you cannot hide forever. You actually have to move on someday, you have to step up and show them how strong you actually are, how brave this situation has made you. So I decided to go back to school, only because exams were coming up and because my friends were started to get really worried about me. I had told them about Mrs.Brown and I... Yeah, she's Mrs.Brown now, not Emma anymore. They had been really supportive and sweet about it all, although they had wanted to kill her after learning about her pregnancy. Talking about it, I was now in her class, my gaze never leaving her flat stomach.

I knew she had been surprised to see me back here, but she hadn't said anything, and I was relieved. My throat was tight and dry as my jaw remained clenched. She was giving her lesson as though nothing had happened, as though I didn't mean anything to her anymore, and it hurt. I don't know what I had expected, I didn't want her to talk to me, or to try anything on me, but I wanted her to look as miserable as I was, unfortunately, her pregnancy gave her that special glow that made her shine even more than usual. She was taking my breath away, even when I hated her with all of my soul. She walked around, giving us papersheets, and as she did my eyes stayed on her stomach, which was the reason of our break up. I just couldn't look away. And as she placed a paper on my table, right before me, I tensed. For a second, I held my breath, feeling my cheeks reddening as she stood close to me. I wasn't nervous, no, I was angry. Angry that she managed to bottle it all up, angry that she didn't look as desperate as I did , angry that she had done that to me. She eventually walked away, her perfume lingering in the air, making me want to throw up. But I held it in, I plunged my nails into my palms and tried to stay calm for the whole hour. I managed to , which was quite surprising to me.

The bell rang, setting me free. Gathering my things, I stood up and ran out the door before she could even pronounce my name. Following my friends to the cafeteria, I glanced around only to see that everything seemed normal, except things wasn't.. normal. Nothing was.

"Are you okay?" Lia squeezed my hand as we sat next to each other.

I wanted to nod and smile, but all I could do was looking down at my hands and breathing calmly. She sighed, and decided to give me space as she started a conversation with Jake who kept on glancing behind me, catching my curiosity. His expression was tight and upset. Turning around, I met her gaze. She was already there, sitting with Mr.Pepper. Her eyes pleaded me to go and talk to her, but I wouldn't do that, I wouldn't talk to her anymore, at least, not now. Sighing, I looked back at Jake and faked a smile, wanting to reassure him. He felt really bad for me, and it was sweet, but I didn't want this to become his problem. It was all about me and her, it had nothing to do with him. And although I knew he wanted to protect me, I just wanted him to support me and be there, that's all I needed from him.

"I was thinking of you all crashing at my house tonight, we could order pizza and watch a movie." Lia declared, eyeing me with worry.

I knew she thought I'd refuse since I had denied every request of hers to go out lately. But I was back, and that meant I had to move on and hang out with my friends again. So I said it sounded great and smiled lightly. She seemed relieved for a moment until her face changed into an upset expression. Raising an eyebrow, I wondered aloud.

"What's wrong?" She sighed and shook her head, replacing her angry expression with a playful one. What was that about?

Parting her lips, she said "You'll get to choose the movie."

I knew she was trying to be all friendly but I didn't want her to feel pity for me, I was fine, or at least, I would be.

"You've changed your phone number right?" Jake asked, unsure. I nodded, earning a relief sigh from him. They were acting so strange, like something was bothering them. But I wasn't in the mood to ask why so I let it go, and tried to appreciate my meal although I wasn't hungry at all.

"We should go." Jake suddenly said, standing up in the second. Raising my gaze, I frowned. We just had started eating and he wanted to leave already?

"You're right, let's go." Lia joined him, grabbing my arm in order to make me stand up.

"What's going on with you guys? I can tell you're hiding me something, so please talk." I said sternly, not appreciating to be played with.

"I'm feeling better, so please just tell me, I'm not gonna break down." I rolled my eyes, hoping for them to just be honest for a moment.

"We'll tell you later just come." Lia grabbed my hand, making me follow her but I escaped her grip and stopped dead in my tracks.

"No, what's going on?" And all of a sudden, I knew why they were acting this way.

She was standing right behind me, I could smell her enticing perfume, the one I had breathed in through my sleep that night in London. They had just wanted me to be away from her and I hadn't listened, and now, she was there. My gaze got lost somehow as her voice echoed.

"Maddie." Her tone was slightly broken, although serious. Like she meant for her voice to be calm. I couldn't say a thing, I couldn't turn around, so I stayed there, in the middle of the cafeteria, standing still. A few students were starting to stare and it just pressured me more.

"Come on Madison, let's go." Said Lia. But I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I just wanted to throw up again.

"Maddie, can we please talk?" Biting on my lower lip, I closed my eyes for just an instant, and shook my head. I didn't wanna have to talk to her. Hearing her sigh, I grabbed Lia's hand and followed her out as fast as possible.

"I'm sorry, we just didn't want her to be able to talk to you." Jake said as he squeezed my other hand. I nodded, thankful. And although I felt relieved that I had managed to escape her, part of me regretted, a part of me just wanted to go back in there and kiss her. But I couldn't do that, could I? She had betrayed me, I just couldn't let it go so easily. I couldn't trust her anymore. Loving her just wasn't enough, it shouldn't be.

"Maddie please." Her voice echoed one more time, making me stop in the middle of the corridor. She was there, she had followed us. And she just wouldn't go away.

"Please forgive me."

Taking a deep breath in, I turned around to meet her gaze. I didn't know what to say, or what to do, but I knew I had to say something eventually. Something that would make her understand that she wasn't part of my life anymore and that nothing would change that. My gaze fell down her stomach before it climbed back up into her teary eyes. There she was, the woman I had fell in love with, she was back into these deep wards. And it hurt me to say those words, but I had to.

"No. I won't. I won't forgive you. Not this time." Turning around, I walked away, leaving them three behind. I needed to be alone , I needed fresh air, and so I walked to the parking lot with only one wish in my mind : escaping love.