Fingers Crossed || A.H

3. Look At What You Did

A/N k this chapter is basically the whole plot for the first part of the story and god this idea is literally swimming in my brain

You sat watching your fan spin, listening to the whirring noise. You glance at the clock, hoping the time had magically changed in the three seconds you had gone without looking at it. It still read two forty-five am. If you sat in silence long enough you could hear the sirens, hear his words, but worst of all hear her screams. You sigh, rolling over to the other side, a tear slipping down your cheek.

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"Fuck, this is bad, like really bad," you mutter as you pace the room. Aaron was leaning against the wall, staring at the floor. "God, Y/N, just shut the fuck up and let me think okay.," he tells you. You finally stand in one place. You nod not knowing what to say, it wasn't like you had any ideas on what to do. You only knew one thing, you were completely and utterly fucked.

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The team was in Boston for a case, 17 women had gone missing off the streets. The only connection was that they had all sent a final text to their significant other, approximately 37 minutes before the time of death. You were all at a wall with the case, another woman was abducted but no one had heard anything. A hand slamming the table shook you from your thoughts, Hotch getting up and storming out of the room. In the three months, you had been on the team you'd never seen him this angry, ever. "Does he usually do this when we get stuck," you ask. Rossi looks at you with a small smile, "Not, not usually. You got any ideas in the brain of yours, candy?" You roll your eyes at the nickname, it still hadn't let up and you were starting to think it never would.

You had been in Miami for a case and the police chief was a raging sexist, but he took a specific liking to you. Anytime he opened his mouth while looking at you, you stuck a piece of candy in your mouth. You had a never-ending supply in your pockets, purses, hell even your car, for this exact kind of man. Derek noticed it first, teasing you about it, "So what's with the candy?" You shrugged, "I keep a never-ending supply with me at all times, whenever some sexist asshole says something I suck on one. Keeps me from saying something I regret. I've done it since high school." You feel Hotch's eyes on you, turning to see the small smile on his face. That had been one of his favorite things about you back then. Hearing it now made him wonder if he had made a mistake, maybe he should have stayed. Maybe when you saw him again those years later he shouldn't have made rules.

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You accidentally bumped into him, you expected it to be anyone but him. You froze, his eyes finally finding your face. Not that he needed to see it to know it was you, he could sense you from across the room. He had always been able to. "Hi," you whisper. He grabs your hand pulling you outside and into his car. "What are you doing back in town?" he asks angrily. "My mom is sick, I wanted to come help," you explain. "You can't be here not after.." he lets the end of his sentence hang in the air. You both knew, everything you had was gone. Maybe if he knew everything he would change his mind, you could get him back. "Aaron it's my mom," you protest. "We need rules. And I have some. Rule number one, we never knew each other. We're just two strangers who happened to grow up in the same place. Rule number two, we never knew her. She never existed." Rule number three was your least favorite.

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You finally understood, why Hotch was so pissed. The last woman abducted, the one the unsub was still holding, looked like her. You couldn't unsee it, and the events of that night flooded your brain, even if they never left. The team had found a location, you were getting ready to raid it when Hotch came up to you. "I want you to stay out here, help guide the units in case she isn't in the," he orders you. You roll your eyes, "Hotch i-" He steps back, "If you don't follow orders I will have you suspended." You stare at his back as he and the team walk into the house with S.W.A.T, shaking your head slowly.

They exited the house, the unsub in cuffs. You were looking for the victim until you saw the coroners go inside with forensics. You met Hotch's eye and immediately turned to get into the SUV. Derek got into the driver's seat, glancing your way. You mentally kicked yourself, you were surrounded by profilers. They would be bad at the job if they couldn't sense something between you and Hotch. Hell, even civilians could probably tell something was there. But no one had any idea how dark and fucked up it truly was.

"Y/L/N, can I see you in my office," Hotch asks as you and the team were about to leave. You sigh, "You guys go, I'll come next time." You sulk into his office, closing the door even though the building was empty. Wrapping your arms around yourself you suddenly realized how small it felt when he starred at you now. "What you did today was unfair," you mutter. "Y/N, it was." he starts before you cut him off. "No. Don't you dare try to undermine me and gaslight me into thinking that it was fair in any way. You and I both know what that was." He clenches his jaw, going to grab the back of his chair. You take his silence as a go-ahead to continue, and you had a lot to say. "I mean my god was any of it real? Did you use me, lie to me? Was it just some game to you and Sean?" He slams his chair against his desk, making you jump. "Stop fucking talking," he orders. What was probably meant to scare you only pissed you off further. "Really? Is that the only thing you know how to say to me? Because it worked then you think it'll work now? It won't, Hotch. I'm not some scarred kid anymore. I stopped being the girl you knew the day you decided to pretend nothing happened." He sighs, looking at the ceiling. "Y/N, stop. Please," he whispered. "Stop what, stop being in love with you? Oh, wait you already made that happen. Tell me, Aaron, tell me you never loved me."

"Rule number 3, I never loved you."

"I can't tell you that," he says softly. You scoff, "Why not, you did it so easily back then." He finally rounds his desk, leaving four feet between the two of you. "Because up until that night it was you I was going to marry. I was in love with you from the moment I met you. Do you think this has been easy for me? You think I could just forget it all?" he yells. "It was your idea, Hotch. You decided to stop loving me. I was never going to do that to you. Not even after covering up a murder."