Pirouette [h.s.]

thank you

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Thank you. I can pretend that this will be brief, but I know it won't be. I have words for you, and I have words for them. Let me get them out of the way, first.

These characters, these figments of my imagination, became so much more than that. They became...real. Like maybe I'll take a trip to San Francisco and I'll sit on the Pier and I'll see Nate giggling at sea lions. Maybe I'll take a walk and see Phoebe with Stitch. Maybe their world only exists in my head and maybe I sound out of my mind, but they've become my friends; my family. It's a feeling you think you understand until you experience it, and then you realize it's so much more powerful than you expected.

Nate,
Sweet boy. Sweet, sweet boy. The best character I will ever write. Thank you for your heart of gold. For your love of Mickey Mouse, and your love of your brother's girlfriend. I'm proud of you. I'm so damn proud of you. You bring me endless joy and boundless light and I am so lucky to carry a piece of you inside of me. I can't wait to hear all the things you have to say. I love you, big man, even more than Harry.

Blueberry boy,
Gentle angel. I am astounded by you, Harry. Every time I wrote you, you inspired me more. Your wisdom, your forgiveness and grace and passion and intensity. It's hard to feel everything so big; it's hard to carry that much emotion, even when the emotions are good. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to let the loudness take over; that it's okay to rock with the waves and lap at the shore. You owe no one an apology for feeling. Ever. Thank you for coming so naturally to me. I love you, you incredible light. Blueberries will always be on my shelf for you.

Bee,
You beautiful, precious soul. My brave girl. Thank you for challenging me, for changing me. For growing like the trees. For breaking down walls. For filling the bucket. For emptying the bucket. For learning how to let yourself feel. For dancing. Thank you for your resilience. I'm the most proud of you. I know every single struggle you've gone through; I know pieces of you that never made it into words, and pieces I never wanted to put into words. And you, Phoebe Mitchell, are a force of nature. To have a soul as soft as yours after growing into your flesh as you have is nothing short of a miracle. And I'm proud of you. For remaining soft. For opening up. For putting yourself first. Thank you for all that you are, and all that you will continue to become. You are so special to me. I feel you right where you belong - all around. I love you. Infinitely.

To you,
Thank you for being here; for reading and soaking up their world, their story. I wanted to write something that grappled with vulnerability. It's my favorite topic, and my least favorite experience. And that's okay. Because we find people that feel safe, and we find people who pull out that vulnerability inside of us. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. I feel both ends of the spectrum - Phoebe and Harry. Phoebe's reserved, timid emotions, and Harry's volcanic, resounding emotions. I'm not sure which is better; I'm not sure if there is a better. But I've learned that neither makes a person weak; they're what makes us human. Vulnerability and emotions. And human is a pretty fucking beautiful thing to be.

I am a dancer through and through, just...not ballet. Dance is the foundation on which I've found myself, and I wanted to dive into that. But I hope you realize that whether you're in the New York City Ballet, or your experience with dancing is swaying in the middle of the kitchen...it doesn't really matter.

Because dance has nothing to do with this story.

The point is love. To love something with so much intensity that it devastates you to have it taken away. To have a soulmate that makes you feel seen and heard and beautiful, and then they're ripped from your fingertips and you have to navigate survival without them. But soulmates are never really gone; only changed.

It's all love. That's all we are. That's all it ever is.

Thank you for everything. For giving me space to share them, and share myself. These characters are pieces of me; of my fears, insecurities, passions, understanding of the world. Thank you for loving them despite their flaws, and, in effect, loving me despite mine. Thank you to those who read, to those who voted, to those who commented, to those who clicked on a pale pink picture of a man in a tutu. Thank you to my Tunafish; she didn't start as you, but she became you quickly, lunar miracle - thank you for emptying my bucket. I poured my entire heart and soul into these angels; into this world. I am unbelievably proud of everything they've become. Thank you for sharing that with me. I could say it on an infinite loop and it would still never be enough. So, instead, I love you. Always. Across all infinities. Stay Gold. ♡

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