IDV - Oneshots

No one will love you if you're un-attractive - EliNaib

TW - Eating disorder & Self-Harm

---------

Eli was sure his unhealthy habits had gone unnoticed. He wasn't loud or made an entrance into rooms or meetings, quite the opposite in fact. He'd walk into a room and keep quiet to keep his presence unknown and never drew attention to himself. Eli was certain not a single person in the manor noticed just how frail and skinny he'd become, not even his closest friends.

Eli couldn't remember exactly when it started, nor did he really want to, but to keep his mind at peace he liked to blame his fallout with Gertrude. It didn't start overnight, nothing as big as this ever did, but it gradually got worse. It started with the thoughts. The thoughts haunted him through his days and controlled his nights. They started with 'You're not good enough' 'Why did you even try' "You're not good enough' 'Look at yourself, you're disgusting'
Eli tried to ignore those voices, but eventually, he caved in, he began listening and changed, though it was never enough for them. He wasn't good enough, wasn't nice enough, still too loud and emotional, still too disgusting.

Eli caved in even more, he had to change, so he did. It all started with eating smaller portions, though that still wasn't enough to silence his mind. He started cutting down even more before it became a full meal. He'd begun skipping breakfast using the excuse, "I'm just not a breakfast person, don't worry, I'll have lunch"

But soon even that became a lie. He started skipping lunches on certain days before skipping the meal altogether. Eli's mind still wasn't silent, even with his massive weight loss, but he wasn't dumb. If he stopped eating entirely, he'd lose all his strength, wouldn't be able to play matches anymore or help his teammates and people would find out within a short period of time. So, to keep his little strength he had left Eli ate dinner; half his dinner to be exact.
Nobody seemed to notice too much, every now and then a question would be asked if he ate, but he lied. "Oh yea, don't worry, I ate earlier" or "Ah, not yet, I'll eat something a bit later," Were always the go-to excuses and everyone seemed to believe him.

Lies. Lies. Lies.
The hardest part of Eli's plans was to hide the noises his stomach would make and the urges he had late at night. His body was covered head to toe except for the small portion on his face his mask didn't cover, but no one noticed the change. As for the noise, Eli found out if you inhale and push out your stomach it stops the noises, he found that useful when he was waiting for a match or at the dinner table. The urges, however, were more difficult to conquer. Late at night, when his stomach was growling and everyone was asleep, he just wanted to get up and ease the pain in his stomach with a small snack.

These nights usually ended in blood. His arm was full of small scars and cuts. He'd watch the blade slowly go across his skin at first but learned that hurt more and didn't cut as deep. Instead without looking and doing it quickly, he gave himself a much deeper cut. They bled through and it was a hassle to get enough band-aids to last before someone grew suspicious.

The other option was to listen to his cravings and eat. He'd only eat something small and drink a lot. He'd sneak into the kitchen quietly and grab a small snack, like a slice of bread, and a glass of water. He'd rush back to his room and go straight to his bathroom. The guilt and disgusting feeling lingered in his stomach, so he knelt down and stuck two fingers down his throat. When he first started doing this it was easy to force the food up but now his body became used to this torture, and he needed to stuff his fingers deep into his throat to gag enough to get the food out.
He'd wiped his mouth after he spat into the toilet and flushed. He'd wash and got back to bed, dreading waking up the next day, he'd stay awake in his bed and let himself settle again. His stomach felt weird. Full but at the same time empty.

This went on for a while and Eli felt his strength leave him but never his thoughts, so he never stopped. He continued his unhealthy habit believing it was going unknown.
His life was fine – as fine as it could be in this manor – and Eli didn't think this could be ruined. He would go about his day normal, the voices in his head haunting him, playing matches and being friendly, so he expected nothing new to happen when he left to go to his last match for the day.