Alone | TodoBaku Angst One-Shots

7 | I Couldn't Say

Bakugou could only stare at the illuminated screen of his phone as all of his senses flickered out. His mind was a television, and his heart the remote; each time his heart pushed against his chest, his thoughts were overridden by brief flashes of new, intrusive thoughts.

When did I start developing feelings for you? When did I stop denying how I felt? When did I really realize that I wanted to be more than friends? When did that feeling of loving our friendship turn into the feeling of loving you? Why—

I knew you were bi with a female preference. Hearing the 'female preference' always stung. At first, I couldn't understand—

I always told myself I'd finally man up and confess. Practiced again and again and again. I plucked up the courage, but every time I saw your face, I—

We've been friends for four years. How could I tell my best friend I liked him? How fucking awkward of a conversation would that be if he didn't feel the same? I couldn't say a thing.

You know, I've always hated the fact that I'm gay. Most guys aren't even what I'm into. I feel shitty for turning down so many girls. I hate not being what my parents expected me to be. Why couldn't I have been straight? I hate it even more now because of—

Every time we hugged, I felt like my heart was on fire. It was so warm, familiar, and comforting. I never wanted it to end. But it hurt. It burned. It ached. I loved you, but I couldn't say that.

Do you even understand how much it fucking hurts? It shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't fucking hurt. You're my best friend. That's the way it's always been. That's the way it'll always be—

From the black screen of Bakugou's phone, a spring of light poured up and branched into harlequin tendrils. The warm, tear-smudged device vibrated, jostling the leaves of light leaking from between Bakugou's fingers.

Bakugou felt like his heart had stopped as his mind was swallowed up by a thick darkness. He shivered, and his phone shivered back.

I deserve this hell. I had four years to tell you one simple sentence...but I couldn't say how I felt. It's too late... It's too late...

Closing his eyes and exhaling slowly, Bakugou plastered on a smirk, beating down the flailing limbs of his true emotions as he answered his phone.

"Oi, oi," Bakugou nonchalantly greeted the person that he'd fallen in love with.

"Hey," Todoroki replied in an animated hum. "Did you see the post I made?"

You've never sounded this fucking happy before. But how could I not have? Shut up... Please shut the fuck up. I don't even want to hear your voice. It's so fucking selfish. Just ignore the goddamn pain, Katsuki. He's your best friend. You have no fucking right to let your shitty feelings show when he's probably the happiest he's ever been...

Bakugou curled his hands into fists and grit his teeth before forcing his expression back into his typical smirk. "Just saw it a second ago, and goddamn, I'm so fucking happy for you." Tears began to slash into his vision in hazy, translucent swirls tinged in white.

Why the fuck...am I like this? I should be happy for him, but all I feel is this shitty bitterness, anger, pain, and sorrow. Can I even consider myself to be his friend anymore? I don't fucking think so...

"I'm so happy as well. I still can't really believe it, you know? It's a lot to take in and so many emotions to process."

Bakugou's eyes wilted down as his smirk twitched. "I'm almost convinced someone else is talking to me, because you're showing way too much emotion," he snickered nonetheless.

I could've been the one to make you feel that way, but I...

"I know... It's unusual for me, but I can't help how I feel. Anyway, I was just eager to tell you the news. Anything on your mind?"

Tears began to slip from Bakugou's eyes and snake down his cheeks. "Nah, I..." He clenched his jaw until his teeth ground against each other. "I-I..." His grip on his phone threatened to crack the glowing screen.

"Is everything all right?"

No, and it's all my fucking fault. I'm never gonna be able to tell you how I really feel, and I'm never gonna be able to show you how fucking hurt I am. That'd just be selfish... I'd do nothing but burden you and make things super fucking awkward...

"Yeah, just fucking tripped over my words like a dumbass," Bakugou lied with convincing mirth. "I'm just enjoyin' the break before next quarter. But I'm sure yer busy with shit. Happy to see you so happy... Heh. I know you're smiling. But I'll talk to you later."

I feel like it hurts so much that I don't feel anything anymore. I just want to cry... And scream. And beat myself up. All like a worthless piece of shit...

"You know me too well. But it was good talking to you. Bye."

All because I couldn't say...

Bakugou hung up the phone and scrunched his eyes into countless folds of darkness as a pitiful sob lurched from his throat. He slammed his knuckles against the surface of the kitchen counter he stood next to, but when he opened his eyes, the television turned to the white of his tears against the light trickling down from the ceiling.

His still-illuminated phone screen had only one notification on it that he had seen earlier, and that notification was from Todoroki:

I have some exciting news. My new fiancée is Momo Yaoyorozu.