The Teenage Mind

Part IV

Unknown Answers

Numb. That's all I feel. Wanting to take back my words, but unable. "I hate you!" It rings in my head. Why hate? I don't hate her. I just hate how she can make my whole world feel like it's ending. What's wrong with me? Why is blocking the solution? Why am I bad...? Why would I open up so deep just to get shut down? WHY!?

-56

Taking a step, and then getting put back eight. Always living in the negatives. My energy level always stays under the line. Never will I be fulfilled here on earth. My only dying wish is to have peace in the night.

Life is not perfect

2002, the year after 9/11 when the country was still healing. The first live-action Scooby-Doo movie in theaters. Blonde tips and pooka shell necklaces. Two teens in love. Soulmates till the end of time. I was a baby, innocent to the outside world around me. Never did I ever think I would want to go back to being non-existent before 2002.

New beginnings

It's the first time in a very long time that I have dusted off my heart. The cobwebs and pieces surrounding it, all being wiped away. I haven't heard it beat for someone in a very long time. But when I look at you my heart just wants to be in your hands. I want to make sure I do a good job of cleaning it because when my heart is new again, nothing will ever stop me from loving you.

Is there a term for uhaul trans boys? 

The feeling of your lips on mine is so intoxicating. I want nothing more than to kiss your lips for the rest of my life. They are soft and careful. Knowing just the right way of gliding over mine. Feeling your hand resting against my cheek and back of my neck pulls me in for more. I wrap you tighter in my arms as fireworks go off in my mind. The swirly feeling in my stomach and sweating on my palms. You can make a mess out of me so easily. These feelings are so new and so refreshing. It's hard to believe that I just met you.

Secret Attention Wh*re II

"I miss you" *erase* "I want to talk to you so badly" FUCK!! *erase* "Hey baby, how are you doing?" *sends* /no reply/
This pattern is destroying me. I can't look at my phone anymore. All I do is think about talking to you. I don't know why your so distant. It's like every time I want to talk there is an excuse. I feel like I'm giving this my all, and getting 50 percent back. Why did you want time apart? Why did you just cut me off? Why do you tell me you'll text and don't? Did I do something? Is this my fault? Why do you keep me so distant from you? I just wanna know because it's too much for me. I'm so sick I can't eat. I'm so worried that you're going to leave. What is the purpose of this silence? Please tell me.

3 a.m.

I can't make sense of anything anymore. I feel like I'm stuck between two doors that are bad. I don't know. However I go about this it doesn't matter

Hell is a mind state

Never will I ever break this chain of depression and mania. I'm chained to my past never being able to break free. My demons caress my human form, waiting to drag me to hell from earth. The only way to save me is to let me go in peace.

My demon forever

Black. The color of her lacy underwear. The color of the queen fitted sheet. The color of darkness. She sucked me in with promises of red, but black was more her color.

First

It all started with you. The looks we exchanged. The butterflies we felt inside. You are the only thing I think about when someone asks about my first times. You were the one who taught me how to love. You were the first to show me love. It's true that it's over, but you'll always have a spot in my heart. It's hard to forget someone who stole your heart first. You were my first love. Maybe not the last, but that doesn't matter. You taught me more about myself than I ever could. Thank you for that, because now I know how to love someone else and not let them go.