Lies We Tell To Stay Alive

7

[extra tw's - f slur, nurfs a dickwad, suicidal ideation, underage smoking]

today's media rec: Balloon Maker by midlake, in honor of me literally being on my way to a Midlake concert as I am posting this

question, just cause i like asking ppl this: what concerts have you been to (if any)?

***

Back in the tent, Max sat on his cot, and Neil sat directly across from him.

To Neil's surprise, Max was the first one to speak. "I know you're gonna want to talk about this or some other bullshit, but it's really not a big deal, so let's just forget any of this happened," he said.

"Max, I'm not going to just forget," Neil said, reaching his hand out towards Max's, only resulting in Max yet again pulling away from Neil. Neil thought they'd made progress in the bathroom, when he bandaged Max's wounds, but it seemed that all that progress had been lost the moment they came back to their tent. "You can't keep doing this," Neil continued. "You need help."

"And what help are YOU going to give me? It's not like you can make my brain stop hating my own body, ir make Nurf not a homophobic bully, or make my parents actually care about me." Out of breath, Max paused before continuing, "Theres Nothing. You. Can. Do."

Neil was silent for a few minutes, taking in everything Max had just told him. Again, he held out his hand towards Max's, this time hoping Max wouldn't pull away. "I'm sorry that people are that way, and you're right, there's nothing I can do to change them. Just, please come to me before you do it, so I can try to distract you. Ir come to me afterwards, so I can properly bandage you up." At this point, Neil was on the verge of tears, and now holding Max's hand in his own.

"Fine.." Max reluctantly whispered.

***

The next few weeks were odd ones for both Max and Neil - Neil was doing his best to help Max, and Max was trying his best to let Neil help him to an extent (just not so much that Neil would freak out and go tell David everything). He had had a handful of relapses which he did tell Neil about, and a handful more which he had not - he didn't want Neil to learn that he didn't just self harm on his arms and legs, in wariness of Neil getting suspicious of him and wanting to do body checks, one of Max's most dreaded fears.

Only twice had he gone to Neil before relapsing, but surprisingly neither were bad experiences. The first time Neil had panicked, not knowing what to do or how to react, but watching Neil freaking out had proved to be an adequate distraction for that night. The next time resulted in hours of talking about their interests, and then cuddling until they fell asleep, well past a reasonable bedtime.

Max hadn't gone to Neil since for help before relapsing, partially due to his urge being an essentially 24/7 constant, but mostly due to seeing Neil yawning all day the next day and even falling asleep in their group activities. In Max's mind, he thought it was better for Neil if he didnt tell Neil before relapsing, because that ended in neither of them getting enough sleep.

This specific day, happened to be ceramics day, where David and Gwen had, for some reason, thought pottery wheels were a good idea.

It took Max four or five tries to get the clay to stay on the wheel, as he had accidentally gotten too much water under the puck of clay, causing it to go flying to who knows where. Once the clay was on the wheel and firmly attatched, Max began attempting to center it as David had instructed. As he did, the clay began resisting against his hands, leaving them with an uncomfortable vibrating feeling, so he dipped his hands back in the water. Ad he continued working with the clay, the water and clay formed a mud-like substance - slip - that was now fully coating his hands and the cuffs of his hoodie. Not wanting to ruin his hoodie, Max hesitantly looked around, seeing that noone was paying any attention to him, and pulled up his sleeves, making it significantly easier to work with the clay. At first it was totally fine - Neil walked past them once, giving Max a small smile, and anyone else who had passed him hadn't even noticed. And then there was Nurf.

Max heard laughing coming from right over his shoulder as Nurf said loudly' "I like ya cut g."

Trying to not let it affect him, Max responded, "Real original."

"Fuck off fucking emo fag!" Nurf yelled, running off back to his own station.

'Deep breaths.' Max tried reminding himself. He tried reassuring himself Nurf was just an idiot who didnt think about what he said, but the words had already done their damage? sending Max into a spiral of self destruction. For the rest of the day, his mind couldn't stop racing. He really was useless, wasnt he? It wasn't like he would ever amount to anything in life. No one wpuld ever hire him if they saw his self harm scars. If he had no future, what even was the point of living anyways? It wasn't like he got good enough grades to get a college scholarship, and his parents sure as hell wouldn't help him pay.

That night, after Neil had gone to bed, Max found himself outside of their tent, walking around, trying to get some fresh air. His urges were shooting through the roof, and usually he would've gone to the bathroom, but the forest just seemed so much more peaceful. Walking out into the forest, in the dark, past midnight, was probably a bad idea, but in this moment Max couldn't care less. He wasn't going to try and kill himself, but he sure as hell wasn't going to try and escape if some bear smelt his blood and decided it was his time. Finding a small clearing, Max reached into his back pocket, pulling out a lighter and box with a singular cigarette - he had been saving it since it was his last one and he wouldn't be able to get more anytime soon - tossing them onto the ground, and then pulling out his blade.

***

As Max laid in the forest, covered in blood as he hadn't thought ahead and brought anything to stop it, he lit the cigarette and scooted back against a tree, feeling the familiar comfort wash over him. Just as the sun began coming up, Max felt himself start falling, into the sweet arms of sleep.

***

nurf reminds me of a less likeable reese from malcolm in the middle.

I think what im supposed to take frok that thought is that I have been binge watching way too much malcolm in the middle and someone needs to stop me

anywhooo thanks for reading! and i hope y'all have a good week <3