I could see the agony in her eyes. What had happened to her brother? Lauren had thought that life with Clara was bad, but her father turned out to be a horror. And she had to make the decision to abandon ship without her brother.
"Did you go to the police?" I asked.
She shook his head. "Not at first. There was no way I wanted to deal with that. I just wanted to forget about it. But when my mom saw what happened to me, she forced me to go. I never told them what happened to me, but I did report what happened to my brother. She insisted on taking pictures of me just in case, though. The police took my brother away from my dad and put him into foster care. I wanted him with me, but my mom's drinking didn't inspire any confidence with the state."
"Have you seen your dad since?" I wanted to gag using the word "dad" for a man like that.
"I saw him today." Lauren stunned me. "I see him every weekend."
"What?! Why?" So that's where she went, but how could she put himself in the same room as a monster like that?
"Because life's a bitch, that's why." She gave me a bitter smile and looked away. "Last year, after you left for France, I went a little crazy. I drank and got into a lot of fights. Madoc and I both had a ball for a while. I hated that you were gone, but I'd also found out that Chris had been transferred to another foster home after the last family had hit him. It was a bad time."
She got up to go stand at the window, and I noticed she was clenching his fists. She wasn't teary anymore. She was pissed.
"So I tracked down his old foster dad, and I fucked him up. Like, really bad." Her eyebrows lifted, but there was no regret in his tone. "He was in the hospital for a week. The judge decided that, while my feelings were understandable, my reaction was not. He thought it would be poetic to sentence me to forced visits with my father in prison, since he was still in jail for abusing my brother as well
as the drugs that the cops found at his house. It looked like I was on the same path, so the judge ordered one visit a week for a year."
"So that's where you go. To Stateville Prison in Crest Hill." It wasn't a question, just a clarification. I remembered the receipts in her room.
"Yeah, every Saturday. Today was my last visit, though."
I nodded gratefully. "Where is your brother now?"
The first hint of a smile played on Lauren's lips. "He's in Weston. Safe and
sound with a good family. I've been seeing him on Sundays. But my mom and I are trying to get the state to agree to let him live with us. She's been sober for a while. He's almost seventeen, so it's not like he's a kid."
This was a lot to absorb. I was elated that she'd finally confided in me. She'd been hurt, which had probably made her feel abandoned by the people that should've protected him. But I was still puzzled about one thing.
I walked over to her. "Why didn't you tell me all of this years ago? I could've been there for you." I got up from the bed, and walked over to her.
She ran a hand through her hair and inched away from me to lean on the railing. "When I finally got home that summer, you were my first thought. Well, other than doing what I could to help Chris. I had to see you. My mom could go to hell. All I wanted was you. I loved you."
She gripped the railing at his sides, and his body went rigid. "I went to your house, but your grandma said you were out. She tried to get me to stay. I think she saw that I didn't look right. But I ran off to find you, anyway. After a while, I found myself at the fish pond in the park." She raised his eyes to meet mine. "And there you were . . . with your dad and my mom, playing the little family."
The little family?
"Lauren—" I started.
"Camz, you didn't do anything wrong. I know that now. You just have to understand my mindset. I had been through hell. I was weak and hurting from the abuse. I was hungry. I'd been betrayed by the people I was supposed to be able to count on: my mom who didn't help when I needed her, my dad who hurt me and my helpless brother. And then I saw you with our parents, looking like the happy, sweet family. While Chris and I were in pain and struggling to make it through every day in one piece, you got to see the mother that I never had. Your dad took you on picnics and for ice cream while mine was whipping me. I felt like no one wanted me and that life moved on without me. No one cared."
Lauren's mom had gone on a couple of outings with us that summer. My dad was always trying to help her get straight. He loved Lauren and knew Clara
was a good person at heart. He was only trying to get her out of the house and show her, in a humble way, what she was missing out on with her own son.
"You became a target, Camz. I hated my parents, I was worried about my brother, and I sure as hell couldn't rely on anyone but myself. When I hated you, it made me feel better. A lot better. Even after I realized that nothing was your fault, I still couldn't stop trying to hate you. It felt good, because I couldn't hurt who I wanted to hurt."
Silent tears streamed down my face, and Lauren walked up to me and cupped my cheeks with her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know I can make this up to you. Don't hate me."
I shook my head. "I don't hate you. I mean I'm a little pissed, but mostly I just hate the wasted time."
She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me close.
"You said you loved me. I hate that we lost that," I said sadly.
Bending down, she grabbed the backs of my thighs and lifted me up. My
breath caught, and I held onto her neck. Her warm body only made me want to curl up into her. I wrapped my legs around her as she walked us to the bed and sat down.
She put a hand to my face and guided my eyes to her. "We never lost that. As much as I tried, I could never erase you from my heart. That's why I was such an asshole and kept guys away from you. You were always mine."
"Are you mine?" I asked as I wiped my tears.
She kissed the corners of my mouth softly, and I felt heat rise up my neck. "Always have been," she whispered against my mouth.
I wrapped my arms around her, and she held me tight as I buried my face in her neck. My body relaxed into her, knowing without a doubt that we had crossed over. She wouldn't hurt me again, and I knew that I needed him like water.
"Are you okay?" I asked. It seemed pretty late for such a dumb question, but I wanted to know.
"Are you?" She responded.
And I loved that about her. She'd been abused, abandoned, and helpless to protect her brother. My embarrassment at her hands seemed like small potatoes compared to that. But I also knew that her trauma wasn't an excuse to treat me badly all those years.
"I will be," I promised. If he could take the step to trust me with all of this, then I could try to move forward, too.
