i told him that i'd play game pigeon/iMessage games with him when i got there... we were playing darts, i didn't finish the game because i want focusing, if i would've played back..would he have been distracted, would he be here, would he be okay? what if it's my fault..? i regret not paying enough attention, to be fair i was only ** i didn't know what to say to help.. but now i'm well beyond my years at 12.it can't be my fault.. can it? no it wasn't my fault, i didn't know anything, i was only 10, but he was my dad..i should've known what to say..how to help him, why can't everything go back to normal, i miss him. i miss everything, i just want to see him again, i wanted to help him but i didn't know how, why is shit so shitty.. why do i have mental issues at fucking 12.I wanna be a normal happy little 12 year old with the best 2 parents imaginable, i wanna have the best grades, i want a perfect life.. to be honest, i'm jealous, i'm so jealous..of people with a pretty house, perfect family, the perfect friends, people that are there.. i'm scared, scared that if i tell everyone or anyone my problems, they won't wanna deal with me, because i'm a sad sack, but i'm not ALWAYS sad, i can be so happy sometimes. i just want it to be all the time, i'm still grateful for when i am happy, i just want it to be all the time.. i miss everything
