Miss Toulouse Home for Unwanted Girls

Chapter 15

Miss Toulouse broken heart and empty womb - how it began for her.....

1973

All little girls when they are younger have wonderful, grand dreams of what they want to be when they are older, some want to be famous actresses on the silver screen, others want to be award winning scientists making a difference, some would like to be doctors and cure the world of all illnesses - I only ever wanted to be one thing - a mother.

So when I met Harry, I was sure all my dreams were going to come true, I was 18 and naive to ways of man, he was 24 and so much more worldly wise than me, we courted for only a few months before he proposed, my friends advised me against it, they said he had a reputation with the ladies but I didn't believe them and even if this was true, he had me now, so I didn't hesitate to say "yes".

I knew he could be short tempered and cold at times but I thought to myself, when we are married, he will change.

The first time he slapped me was because I'd burnt his dinner, he apologised instantly and cried for my forgiveness, he brought me flowers and chocolates and he said "it was because he was stressed at work".

The second time he punched me in the stomach, this was because the shop boy was flirting with me, he didn't cry this time but begged for my forgiveness, he told me he couldn't help himself he just loved me so much he couldn't bear the thought of someone taking me away.

The third time he head butted me and broke my nose, it exploded like a popped balloon, blood trickling down my tear stained face as my eyes begin to turn the colour of fresh aubergine as the bruising came to the service, this time there was no crying or begging forgiveness or feeble reason why - It just was, after that I lost count how many times, it just was.

When I fell pregnant I was overwhelmed with joy, I felt my prayers had been answered, I would finally have my child that I had dreamt about. Naively I convinced myself that this would be the thing to change Harry, he would be a father, I would be bringing his child into the world, this would bring us together and give us a fresh start that we so desperately needed.

Four months passed without a single raised hand or crossed word from Harry, life trickled by with the promise of a better future for us all, a warm glow washed over me as my precious baby grew inside of me. I loved my baby more than life itself, more than Harry and I think he knew this.

Quarter past three I'm awoken as I hear him banging around down stairs, cursing up a storm in the kitchen. I know before I've even set eyes on him he's drunk. He had a vile temper sober but drunk he was pure evil, like a man possessed. I pull the covers up over my head, silently praying he will wear himself out and will eventually fall asleep in his chair and leave me alone.

But he had other plans.

I didn't hear him enter the room until it was too late and he was ripping the covers off me as he drunkenly slurred "get up you lazy bitch, make me something to eat". Eyes glazed over, he looked more beast than man.

I knew better than to argue, he was deaf to anyone's voice other than his own when he was in this mood. I swung my legs out of bed ready to appease his demands but in my half sleep state, I wasn't moving fast enough and I suddenly felt a searing burning pain in my scalp as he grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked me up like a stringless puppet.

He pushed me forward as he stumbled behind me like a ghostly looming shadow that is angrily haunting me. Head down, I march forward as he grumbles obscenities about me "fucking whore" and "useless in bed, useless wife, I don't know why I keep you around".

I bite my tongue as hard as I can and repeat to myself in my mind "say nothing, you'll only anger him more". His cruel words are nothing new, they once stung and cut me deep to my core but now they have no value as I've heard it all before.