My ED Diary- A Battle continues

Some thoughts before starting✨

so hello people, first of all, I hope every one of you is doing good!

I just wanted to share some thoughts before I start my diet blog, which I kinda already did?

So today is the 17 of February and I am officially starting this new Plan for my weight loss. It's already been a long road till here and I started at 54kg, 2.5 months ago.

I am really happy that I already lost so much weight and didn't suffer health-wise but just got better since I am still battling this eating disorder pretty much every day.

There have been days where I binged and puked but it was only after 2,5 whole months. And as the matter of fact, I noticed that I don't really want to engage in it anymore.

It just drains my energy, I feel weak, and there is no point in doing it and destroying my health. I am so happy that despite doing that I didn't actually gain weight. I was so prepared to start a new again and felt like a failure and disappointment for having to start yet AGAIN.

But I don't! And even tho I failed some days, they weren't in a row, and even better I am on a way better road than I have ever been since these 4 years. I usually would have lasted 2 months and then would have binged and puked 1-2 weeks in a row and therefore gain the weight back again and fail, so I cried and felt miserable. I promise yall it is the worst feeling ever. Having to do all of this again. When I suffered so much already. I always got as far as 49/48kg and then I would break down and gain everything again. Why u ask? Because I got back to binging and puking, and therefore gaining weight.

But this time despite failing, I am actually on a good way to beat my Bulimia and get my health uphill again. I finally feel like I can succeed. I don't want to fail like I did all the other times and gain the weight back again like I always did. I am so scared of gaining it back, failing, and not being able to reach my goal weight. This stage right now is absolutely the scariest. I would always end up failing again and I just can't handle that anymore. I feel so bad at 54kg. I feel so uncomfortable in my body then.

Where I am now 49,4kg (today's weigh-in 17.02.22) is more or less my comfort weight. It is where I feel okay. Not comfortable, but okay, and can accept me way more.

So that's why I still wanna go lower,to feel comfortable. I know it will be hard and that is probably why I am so scared. Scared of having to starve to achieve it, scared of not being able to reach my goal weight, scared of failing again, and mostly scared of never reaching it in my whole life and disappointing my family and everyone that loves me.

But it is my dream. It sounds stupid, yes I know. But it is my dream to be there. I don't wanna be a bone stick. just after years of hating my body, myself, my life, and everything else I just wanna reach my dream weight AND mostly feel comfortable in my body.

Now don't come for me, I know people can feel good in their body and healthy no matter what weight or size they are, but for me, struggling with this ED for years, I just don't feel comfortable in a  body-weight over 48kg.

I just once in my life wanna know how it feels to be like that, to be my own idol and love styling myself, love going out without having to worry about how my belly looks, or how disgusting I look in general. I just wanna know, how it feels and wanna be my dream no matter how stupid it sounds. I wanna be my own idol, I wanna be that girl and I wanna feel comfortable in my skin again without starving myself and letting this ED take control of me.I wanna be my skinny me.

I know I tend to eat very less and people I am still trying to find a balance in all of this. You should definitely not seek after what I do or did. This is just to document how I feel and document the progress I make.

Writing these thoughts down really helped me to process everything and seeing it from a different angle.

Yes, I am extremely scared of what is going to come and how my journey will go, but most importantly I am scared to go back to the girl I was. The chubby girl that hated herself so much she couldn't even look at herself. That avoided every mirror,compared herself to all the other popular wonderful perfect girls always questioning why I would have to be this way.

I never wanna go back to what I was, even tho I still see this me in the mirror sometimes. This me that tortured herself and didn't live but suffered quietly, hurting herself. I don't want to look in the mirror anymore and cry, I don't want to look in the mirror anymore and hate myself and think how disgusting I am. I don't want to avoid family gatherings and meetings with friends anymore because I would need to binge or feel too disgusting. I don't want to let these Eating Disorder thoughts take control of me. I dont want it to rule my live anymore.

I never want to go back, to my ashamed, low self-esteem, self hatred self.

I never want to be that anymore.

With this said I am so happy with where I am right now. Its been a tough road, but I learned to love myself more, I learned to accept myself more, I found my style, my own persona, and the people that love and appreciate me for it and I don't fucking care what anyone has to say about that because it took me such a long way to be  where I am today and nobody knows what I have gone through to achieve that.

Thank you so much for following my journey, my changing mindset, my way to acceptance, to a better me, and for supporting me.

It will be a very difficult and scary road ahead of me, but I know I can do it. I know I will lose the weight and beat this fucking ED.

I  will do it. I can do it, even if I don't believe in it myself. I will reach it. There is no never. Even if tough days will be coming, I will not give up. I won't give in back to suffering and I will never go back to where I was. Lonely, Depressed, Disgusted, and self hatred.

I am going to rise and win!

Thank you for reading all of this people! It means a lot to me! 

Please look forward to seeing updates on my progress and thoughts on this journey!

I am excited to share it with you!

And as always remember:

Stay hydrated! ! Take care of yourself and try to stay positive! I am proud of you for going through everything you encounter in life! 

Everyone stay strong! We are going to fight and we are going to win!

Love to everyone !💟💕