ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Yeah, It's Another PTSD Illusion, But I Think This Time It's A Good One

I feel myself coming into my own again.
Finally, for fucks sake.
But still, I keep wondering—
If it's by some mistake
And for how long might I stand?

I still have my qualms,
My own peace to work on,
But still, I've found a bit of calm.

Just a bit.

And I hope it remains.
Though, I feel disaster
Dancing at the edge of my brain.

Doesn't it always?
Aren't you wild?
Aren't you untamed?
That's why it's a trial.
That's why you're unnamed.

I can't tell what I want,
currently.
I know my longing
Even as it fades and flows
And evades me in prose.

So I try to spend time for me,
But avoiding we
was what I wanted to work on.
Spend a bit of time healing,
Walking towards what I've fled from.

This dip was all part of it.
Somehow, it always surprises me.

Before, it was the idea of my past lingering.
That it wasn't over.
That my veins would flow with His remains
And my heart would pump faster at anything remotely the same.

And my brain...
Scarred and burdened,
With Him sitting at the edge of the frame.
Picture perfect.
Just...the same.

He, yes Him.
A capital H.
Like some godly presence
Leaving my soul up in flames.

Waiting in dreams
Or the breaths in between,
When I wake up in his arms,
Before I can tell
it's not His holding me.

That scared me.
Before I grew.

Before I loved me
Even he without He
Or me without you.

But I learned,
And I found the ground.
And the hollow anger in my chest warmed
And grew accustomed to the sound

Of itself,
Of this echo,
Of His reverberation—
It's all just distant vibrations.

And I could reach down,
Feel the sounds
Deep in the ground.

It's just tremors
Of long moving platforms,
And elements shifting away from their Once current time and burial place.

So I steadied my feet,
And looked up again, for once.
Cuz how could the sky fall,
If the earth was still
going 'round once again?

But I still quivered—again—
As the ground shook.
It wasn't nearly as violent,
But still...
I failed to look.

I didn't look up,
I only looked down.
And the earth in my feet
Sank at the sound.

I found it in me to feel again
And it all crashed in,
And I clawed at the edges,
My nails filling with sand.
And I couldn't understand.

Why leave?
Why fall down?
Why do they leave?
Why did he leave?
I was doing my best
And I felt up for every test.

I no longer shook with every
bit of my love's quaking sound.
Why do these leaves ever fall
With every Fall that comes 'round?

But there it was again—
The tremors that gave way before,
Now splitting like quicksand.
It's not so much him, anymore.

Or he, or her, or they, or them,
But the fact that my best
Was never enough for HIM.

An unexpected aftershock.
You know that they're coming,
And they still take you by surprise.
How just one moment can return
The thought of Him in my mind.

And every sensation
of the experience returns,
Even if you move on
Or experience rebirth.
It can still take a turn
And reshatter the earth.

And that's the way of it, isn't it?
The words that creep into you
And become who you are,
Bounce back in your head
With your voice in charge.

Devil's Snare.
Hates the light.
But if you let go
And give up the fight,
You might find yourself six feet under
Standing on solid ground in the night.

So if you can't find that glow from within
To fight off the tangled entrapment you're in.
It's not always bad to go limp and give in.

And I know, "6 feet under,"
sounds ever daunting.
What lies in the darkness?
The absence of something?
Maybe nothing.

Plenty of space to adjust.
Look around.
Not look up.

The only sound is you—
Your own voice from the walls:
I still love you
In spite of your scars
And despite all your flaws.
I've seen you in light
And nights left in darkness.
I've seen you get up
Without dusting off a bit.
And even through all your Falls,
And leaving, and long hauls,
You still dare to pick up
Lines better left dropped.
So go limp, don't give up.
Let go and adjust, look around,
And when you can, look you up.

Search for the light
in the cracks in between.
They may be low to the ground,
or in some eye-level seems.

There may be a door
That leads to a stairwell,
That brings you back up
To right where you last fell.

And you step around,
Knowing earth's weakness.
And keep walking on
Towards cycles repeating.

But be not afraid!
Though they may return.
The ground always shakes
In this life, we have learned.

And as long as I still feel
The sun and the sky,
And the earth underfoot,
6 feet under, sometimes—

I'm still here.
I gave and gave in
And again, I did dare

To again let his breath
Fly off to the air;
To shake it off,
And let down my hair.

To feel each tremble
And not spit in its wake;
To let it resurface
Enough just to face

The fact I'm still learning and growing
With time enough to see—
A bit more of loving
And loving being me.

02/20/2022