One-shots about Depression and Mental Illness

Numb

I didn't understand what was going on. I still don't understand what happened. But for the life of me, I can't think back to that day. I may have understood everything if I just thought it over and if I used logic. But no, I couldn't bring myself to think back to that dreadful day. Yet somehow, It seemed to be the only thing I ever did think of.

I don't know if it's because of that numbing haze that has been consuming my mind ever since the day he passed, or just the pain that it caused me. Could be either. I wouldn't know. How could I? That same haze made me immune to everything. Numb to it. No emotion, yet the tears would never stop. The least I could hope for was his happiness. If he was happy, I would be ok. Right?

That was what I tried telling myself, but it was no surprise when I ended up suicidal again. Right back to where I started. Like he was never there.

Now, even if everything did go back to the way it previously was, that would not make me forget him. And that fact alone made the situation so much worse.

It's not that I want to forget him, I would never want to forget him. But if he never came, I would be long dead. And I would not have to feel like this again. The sickly numb and empty feeling. Empty of everything and anything.

I could still remember the time he was here, where the feeling seemed to have despaired, gotten lost in my memory. I wish it could get lost again. But for the life of me, would it not go away.

That's why I was now standing at the ledge of this bridge ready to join him. If I saw him the feeling would surely go away. I was sure of it. More sure than ever.

Standing on the fence, swaying with the wind, I was inches away from falling. So close yet so far.

I had expected to feel even the slighted bit of emotion, getting rid of even a tiny part of the haze. I was wrong. It still consumed my mind, chocking me of life. I wasn't killing myself, it was the haze that made me feel so numb.

No fear, no regret, no worries, no happiness, no love, no anything. Nothing changes as I stood there.

But my only concussion's mind decided that jumping could still get rid of it. After all, I would get to see him, right?

With that in mind, I took the step over the bridge. Nothing. Nothing. Seconds passed. I felt nothing, just the stupid numb haze.

But as my body hit the water, something seemed to change. For a split second before my death, the haze was gone and I was free. He was there, with me, and I was once again free of the life I never wanted.