Trigger Warning: S3lf H@rm, Su!c!d3, Su!c!d@l thoughts
I decided to out this into a chapter to look back on how i feel for future reference. Ok so what I'm about to say might make me sound like a really big hypocrite. But i almost killed myself a couple of hours ago. I've been overwhelmed with school, moving, trying to get tested for ADHD, trying to writing chapters for my one-shot and everything that going on with my personal life. I've been trying to be there for everyone making sure they don't feel like a burden saying, "hey if you wanna talk I'm always here" and i can't even take my own advice. I know people wanna be there for me and i can't even get out of my own way.
Literally last month i hit 2 years clean. And for what because I'm back to square one again. And y'all wanna know what sent me from manic high to depressive episode.
The fact that i couldn't submit my synopsis for Cyrano de Bergerac because all of the spelling errors were character names. Someone please explain to me how i can submit they want me to do before EOC finals if they say I'm spelling the names wrong! There french fucking names how else do you want me to do!? Change their god damn names of a play that isn't even originally made in fucking English and fix the 52 spElLinG ErrOrS! So then i just stressed out because I'm had been working on it for 5 fucking hours on an assignment i got a month ago and i finally finished.
It was one less assignment i had to worry about out of the 26 missing ones. So I ended up crying my self into a 15-20 min nap at my dining room table. Then later mom comes and says, "hey actually go sleep and get some rest" and i had to explain the whole thing so now she won't let me do school. Because the whole point of me doing online was so i wasn't overworking myself, doing school all day and having mental breakdowns because of school.
So now she won't let me do school tomorrow or technically today since it's 2 in the morning. But at least someone is setting limits, boundaries and making sure I'm not overworking myself to the bone. Then, i ended up making a sandwich and chicken nuggets at 21:00 for dinner because that food always makes me happy since it reminds me of when I was 7 and wasn't fucked up. But at least i ate 2 meals today because if it wasn't for my mom I'd probably wouldn't have ate dinner and would have went to sleep with only a bowl of ramen that i had at 12:00.
I hadn't ate since lunch because I was afraid if i moved from the table i would lose the motivation to work and end up not finishing the synopsis. I literally avoided eating because I thought it would affect my school. WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK THINKS LIKE THAT! I explained the situation to my uncle and he said i probably cry too. So then i eat my food, i thought i calmed down and as soon as I get in the shower and play my shower playlist i just start bawling my eyes out. And it went down here from there.
But what stopped me was the fact that my best made me a promise to not kts and me kms would make me a hypocrite. Because I care so much for them, I don't want them to hurt themselves but OHHH me doing is perfectly fine and i shouldn't do the exact thing i had them promise me not to do. I'd be a shitty friend. And i feel like such a imposter because i was doing so well, i thought i was getting better, but i had become so stressed i went calm, masked, and didn't talk about my problems because it wasn't as bad as some others have it.
Why am I like this? Like genuinely asking because i don't know what to do at this point. I feel like an over dramatic, attention seeking bitch, fraud, that can't seem to have energy to move when i know i have to do the thing but i physically can't move even when i know it's important. I'm so forgetful, it takes me a while to process what someone literally just explained to me. I'm so anxious and stressed all the time but seem so calm and put together on the outside. It's like a just a fucking failure. I feel like I'm drowning but no matter how hard I fight or try I'm still just as far from the surface as i was when I started. It's like i screaming but no one can hear me. But how can they when i mask and hide how i truly feel all the fucking time.
At least I'm getting a break from school but i know the work it still there. All the problems are just put on pause for a little bit, but there're still there. It's like i want to just fall into little space but only God knows how my mother would react to that and i don't wanna risk it. But at the same time i just want a sippy cup, stuffie, coloring books, play with Legos and watch freaking Disney junior. But i don't know if my mom would be down be my caretaker or if she would even accept me as a little. But I'm going to go try and calm down again but i probably still be up for like 2 more hours if anyone has questions. Have a nice day/night everybody.
TheEmoPunkIsaiah 🖤
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Random Thoughts/Vent Book
RandomIf the title wasn't self-explanatory enough I am going to rant about all my emotions and feelings because why not make a book that is basically a therapy session.
