Human (Natasha Romanoff x reader)

Chapter 3

WARNINGS: language; anxiety; panic attacks; flashbacks; mentions of rape; sexual assault; Eight not understanding emotions; a wee bit of spice (it's just kissing)

It had been six days since Romanoff got shot. The doctor was finally letting her return to her own room after a great deal of persuasion on the Black Widow's part. Romanoff asked me to wheel her to her room, since she was wheelchair-bound for the next week. I agreed immediately because, while I hadn't known Romanoff that long, I could tell she wasn't exactly the type to ask for help. So, this morning I got up at 4:30 as usual, spent way too much time in the S.H.I.E.L.D. gym because it's amazing, took a shower, got dressed, and made my way toward medbay. I didn't eat breakfast because Romanoff has been cooped up in a hospital bed all week and I plan on taking her out for pancakes.
As I was walking down the unusually crowded hall toward the elevator, I brushed arms with a bald S.H.I.E.L.D agent in his mid forties who looked way too much like him. The man who haunted my nightmares, the one thing I could never get over, and the only person I'd ever truly been afraid of. The logical part of my brain knew that it wasn't him and I was perfectly safe, but the majority of my brain had already launched itself into a blinding white panic. The voices that had previously filled the hallway now sounded muffled, almost as if I was underwater. I immediately knew what was happening to me because it's happened countless times, but I still felt like I was dying. I still felt like my heart was beating so fast that it would either explode or give out and fail. I turned around and rushed back to my room as fast as I could without raising suspicion. I stumbled my way into the bathroom as the flashbacks threatened to overtake me. I stepped into the shower fully clothed and turned on the ice cold water.
".....shut your mouth, Experiment...."
".....you are nothing....."
"....if you tell anyone, I will kill you...."
The freezing water almost felt like bullets raining down on me, but it did the trick and pulled me out of the memories. I stood there for a minute and calmed my breathing, but then sobs wracked my body and I didn't care enough to get out of the shower or even turn the handle to warm up the water. Eventually, the sobs subsided and I got out of the shower. My body was on autopilot as I changed, dried off, and hung my clothes over the shower rod to dry. All of the sudden I fully snapped back into reality and realized I was supposed to pick Romanoff up from medbay. I quickly made my way down to medbay, keeping my head down this time. When I got there, her room was empty and a blonde nurse was stripping the sheets from the bed. "Excuse me, where is Agent Romanoff?"
"Miss Romanoff was discharged. She left twenty minutes ago." I cursed under my breath but thanked the nurse anyway. I didn't know what to do, so I hastily started toward Romanoff's living quarters. When I arrived at the door, I briefly hesitated but then knocked on her door. I heard some shuffling from the other side before the door swung open. Her expression remained neutral and most people wouldn't see it, but I could tell she was utterly pissed. "Um...hey." I almost grimaced at the guilty lacing my voice.
"Did you forget? Or did you just not wanna help me?" There was a fire in her voice, but underneath that was a sense of insecurity that I know she didn't mean for me to detect.
"No...no I didn't forget. And I did want to help you to your room, I just had to deal with a...thing." Even I didn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I could fool a lie detector and manipulate anyone with ease but this conversation was kicking my ass.
"A thing, huh? What is that supposed to mean?" She had a smirk on her face but there was no doubt in my mind that I had hurt her feelings. We had spent every day together this past week, and I don't entirely know what qualifies as being friends, seeing as I've been alone in a cell most of my life, but I'd like to think that's what we are.
"I..."
"It's fine. You don't have to tell me. It's not like you missed our anniversary." With that she wheeled herself into her quarters and gestured with her head for me to follow. She went to the living room and hobbled from the wheelchair to the couch. I wasn't sure what was happening so I stood in between the living area and the kitchen. She turned around on the couch and laughed at my confused stance. "Come sit down. We're gonna watch a movie, assuming you aren't doing anything." I let out a small 'ah' and joined her on the couch.
About half an hour into the movie, my mind was spinning with thoughts. I wanted to tell Romanoff why I hadn't picked her up, but I didn't know if I should? Why would she need to know that? Why did I want to tell her? I probably shouldn't burden her with my problems but一 I snapped back into reality when I felt eyes burning a hole in the side of my head and I realized that the movie was paused. I gave Romanoff a questioning look and she raised her eyebrow. "You haven't been paying attention this whole time. You probably couldn't even tell me the main character's name."
I looked into her captivating green eyes, silently debating to myself how much I should tell her. Before I could process what I was saying, words were pouring out of my mouth. "I had a panic attack earlier. That's why I didn't pick you up from the medbay. I was on my way to you when it hit me and I had to go back to my room." When she didn't say anything I kept talking. "There was a guy一 an agent. He looked like someone from my past. I ran into him in the hall and I was taken back...there." The flood gates were open now and I didn't even think about what I was saying until I had already told her. "Where I was held, where I was raised, there was a guard. I don't know how old I was the first time it happened but I was fairly young; ten or eleven, maybe." Her body visibly stiffened when she realized what I was trying to say. "He would come into my cell at night. He said that I was just their weapon, an object. That I had no worth and I wasn't even a person so there was no point in trying to tell anyone. He said if I told then he would kill me. Honestly I don't know why he bothered threatening me, I don't think they would've cared if they knew what he was doing一 most of them anyway. I just一 I saw that guy earlier and it all came back to me and I couldn't breathe. I was drowning. It took me a while to get over it. I'm sorry." By now, my voice was shaking and my hands were trembling and my breath was coming in shallow pants.
"Дорогой, I am so sorry that happened to you. None of those things he said are true, okay? And I'm not mad at you for not picking me up so don't apologize. I know we haven't known each other that long but I'm here for you if you ever need anything, okay?" I didn't trust my voice so I opted to nod in affirmation. "Do you wanna keep watching the movie?" I only nodded again, too focused on the stupid tears threatening to escape. Her gaze returned to the screen and I used the opportunity to wipe away a few traitorous tears.