Teach me to trust

33. Communication

My mouth goes dry at the look Nate gives me as he sits gazing at me from his position on the desk. My mind is running wild with ideas of what's happening right now. The girl who called Nate when he was at my place, the girl he told he was just busy is the same girl who works here. She knows I came here to see him the other day and acted odd today when she saw me again.

I shake my head at Nate and step back to leave, not knowing how to say what I feel without sounding like a psychopath.

"Don't" he tells me and I swear I see a look of fear flit across his face momentarily but it's gone before I can place it.

I can feel my confusion at what's happening and the fact that I've reacted so strongly to this bubble into anger, and I struggle to stop myself lashing out at the fact that he's sat so calmly in front of me while I crumble.

Clearly I feel more for this man than I realised and the thought is fucking terrifying, the idea that if this goes any further I'll have to blindly trust makes me want to run and hide forever.

"I can't-" and my head shakes again, my brain is screaming at me to shut up and not do this. The voice in my head that tells me I don't deserve any semblance of a healthy relationship is back and I faintly register that it sounds like Dylan.

"Stop. You can, you can tell me exactly what's going on" and that bubble of anger bursts,

"I can't!" I turn and shout at him, instantly regretting it when he recoils back, his eyebrows raising slightly before he conceals his surprise in a cool mask again. Infuriating.

"I can't do this! I don't know how I'm supposed to stand here and put all of my trust into this. I don't even know what this is for fucks sake!" I throw my hands in the air as I say this and my anger is slowly rising to fury at how unbothered he looks sitting there.

"I feel so confused. I shouldn't feel this way when we've only known each other a few months. It doesn't make any sense, but every instinct in me is telling me to give you a chance. I don't know what I'm doing here" and I feel a lump form in my throat at my brutal honesty and the fact that he still hasn't said a fucking word.

I fight with myself to keep my mouth shut and wait for him to say something but I physically can't contain myself,

"Are you going to say anything? or are you just going to sit and fucking look at me?" I snap at him, wanting any kind of reaction from him.

I get what I wish for when he stands slowly from the desk and takes a calculated step towards me, frown across his brows.

"I was waiting for you to get whatever is going on off your chest, but you want me to say something? Fine" he bites out, eyes burning into me,

"I don't give a fuck that we've only known each other a few months. I understand that you're confused, and you're scared and you have every right to be after what that dipshit did to you. But I am not him. I would never dream of doing what he did to you and it fucking kills me that you don't see that" I can see the hurt on his face when he says this and I want to reach out and touch him but I know I can't.

"I know you don't think you can trust me, which fucking stings but I know I need to earn it. But it's hard to earn anything when you run away at the first sign of something bad" the frustration seeps into his voice when he says this and I feel something chip away at this wall of anger I've built.

"I never should have left you after he came around and I'm so sorry for that. I never should have left you in the car outside mine with no explanation and I should have texted you back today. I'm sorry I didn't but I couldn't think of anything that would be good enough. All I wanted was to come to yours and be with you but I didn't want to scare you off" and I want to focus on his words and what they mean but I know that if I don't talk to him about what's on my mind nothing will ever get better.

"Milly" I say and he tilts his head in confusion,

"She called you when you were at mine" I continue and I see some semblance of understanding on his face, nodding slowly and encouraging me to carry on.

"She asked you to go somewhere and all you told her was that you were 'busy'. That made me feel shitty and like I was something you needed to hide. I don't want to be anyone's secret" and his head rears back as if I've hit him.

"No, no. Fuck no. Shit I didn't mean it like that. I just told her I was busy because I knew if I said I was with you she wouldn't shut up asking questions and I didn't want to waste my time on the phone" he shakes his head and looks over my face,

"Is that why you wanted me to leave? You thought something else was going on?" and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to protect myself form the magnitude of this conversation, sending him a small nod and watching as he lets out a heavy sigh.

"Today, she saw me with JD and she looked at me as though something weird was going on. She mentioned you and looked at me to get my reaction, as if she wanted to know our connection" and something dawns on me, remembering her reaction to my name the last time I was here.

"She-she thought something was going on with me and JD?" and the grimace on his face answers my question.

"She came in here and told me that she'd seen JD with the girl that was here last time. I was confused as hell at first. She kept going on about how I need to be careful and that I should ask you, but I told her that idea was insane" he laughs under his breath,

"I remembered hearing some guy's voice over the phone and realised it was probably JD, someone that is actually your friend" and he shoots me a disapproving look for my teasing comment on the phone earlier,

"I didn't realise you were here though; I was surprised enough to see JD but when I saw you? I can honestly say I've never been so confused and excited in my life" and my head shoots up to his, catching the way a blush seems to have risen over his neck and across his cheeks.

"So nothing's going on between the two of you?" I ask tentatively, looking at his face as he answers me to check for any signs that he was lying and I didn't find any when he chuckled at looked at me,

"Absolutely not. She's more like family" and he steps towards me, gripping my hips in his hands and pulling me into him.

"Besides, I think you're more her type. She wouldn't shut up about how pretty you were when you came in. I almost thought she was going to try and steal you from me" he shakes his head and runs his eyes gently across my face.

"Better?" he asks in a murmur, thumb stroking over my cheek as we stand so close.

"I'm sorry" I whisper to him,

"Trust it a big thing for me and it scares me that I feel all these things for you so soon. Sometimes I get in my own head and freak out" and his grip on me tightens.

"I'm happy to carry on earning it as long as I need to. You're worth it" and he leans down to plant a gentle kiss on my lips before he pulls back and gently nudges my nose with his. 

For the first time in my life, I really do feel like I'm worth the effort.