The Protector

THIRTY-SIX

My hand hovered over the elevator buttons before I pressed the highest one simply marked with a P. I barely felt the metallic shaft rise until the doors slid open and I was staring at my father's office. I turned to the left and climbed the small dimly lit stairwell across from the office, climbing the concrete steps two at a time, until I reached the old silver door. The metal was peeling around the edges and I wondered if it was because of neglect.

I had been eating breakfast every morning on the roof, enjoying the sunrise, pretending as though I was back in Portland again. I'd never seen another soul out here, Protector or otherwise, and had come to think of the roof as my own private metallic oasis. I set my backpack in the door jam before I walked to the blue plaid comforter I had laid out. I must have subconsciously picked the comforter at Target because it reminded me of Ben's old bedspread. 

The sun was just beginning to set as I sat down on the thick fleece blanket, and crossed one leg over the other in one of the only yoga poses I remembered. I took a few deep breaths to quiet my mind and enjoy the view of all the buildings in downtown Dallas that lit up as dusk settled. I have always particularly enjoyed the Bank of America tower, the green LED lights reminding me of Christmas lights made of money. I grabbed my new iPhone to snap a picture, and I sneaked closer to the edge for a better view. What would happen if I hurled myself over and onto the pavement below? Death would surely be less painful than being insignificant to the only man I have ever truly loved... 

I tried to quiet the dark voice in my head, embarrassed by my thoughts of weakness, and violently shook my head as I took several steps back from the ledge. My head was spinning uncontrollably and I teetered sideways, begging it to stay still, but it wouldn't listen. Visions flashed in and out of focus, until I stumbled backwards, falling onto the blanket, I felt my eyes go white.

I was no longer on the rooftop. I kissed Ben after his baseball game. I was in the courtyard with Peter. I was carried by Kyler in the alleyway. I kissed him on my bathroom counter and all over my bed. The flashes continued so quickly, I had a hard time keeping up. I had never experienced visions this manic before. I felt myself stand up, back in my body, in a feeble attempt to escape them. I teetered a little and grabbed onto a drain pipe as Ben's apologetic eyes flashed into my mind, before his head rolled back in the parking space.

"Perry..." a voice in my mind whispered, and I recognized it immediately. I jerked upright. The vision montage always ended with Ben, but this time was different. I could practically feel her cold breath on my cheek, tearing me apart. "I've missed you, sister," Beth's voice purred in my ear, but the room in my vision was pitch black.

"Where are you, you coward?!" I growled, swinging my arms side to side on the rooftop. A green light flashed and suddenly Beth and I were face to face. Her smile taunted me, but her sapphire eyes were large and innocent.

"I'm right here, honey. Tell me you missed me..." she challenged, arching a blonde eyebrow before the room went black again. The green light flashed once more, and Beth was gone. My fingers stuck together as I reached out for her again. I stared down at the thick clots of blood that hung from beneath my fingernails and up the backs of both my arms, like I dipped my arms into a large bloody vat. I screamed and the noise snapped me from the vision back to the rooftop.

My hand vibrated and I glanced down at my black cell phone, the apparent cause of the vibration. My palms were clammy but clean. I felt dazed from the vision, but was acutely aware of my feet standing on the precipice of the rooftop again, the toes of my tennis shoes dangling precariously off the edge. I backed up quickly, realizing with one more step I would have stepped right off the ledge, and wouldn't be alive for any more visions. My phone buzzed again and I pulled my attention back to it, feeling my vision clear a little at my mother's name displayed on the screen. I quickly hit ignore and felt the usual guilt set in. My mother had been calling every day for a week, but I was too exhausted to lie to her and have a fake conversation about medical school. Despite my mother's constant work schedule, we always had a true and honest bond - until now.