Unforgiven (Azula's Atonement)

A New Friend

Luckily for Ursa, her daughter didn't seem to notice the bags under her eyes the next morning, or at least didn't comment on them. She was happy when Azula allowed her to make breakfast, at least that way she could feel she was doing something tangible to help her get a sense of normalcy.

A little later they took a walk through the city together. The autumn weather was very pleasant. They walked a slow pace, allowing Azula to take in the sights, sounds and smells. Her daughter would often adopt a small smile, which looked rather sad, but her eyes shone the way a small child's would. At times she would just stop, seemingly unaware that she even did so. Ursa would then take her hand and gently squeeze it, helping her get back to the present moment. Azula stopped at several newspaper stands and browsed through the papers with a quick and worrying intensity. Ursa didn't dare ask if she was doing so in order to check whether her brother had kept his promise of not publishing her release. They did pick up some new clothes but Azula seemed far more interested in the bookstores, and bought several tomes and scrolls in each one they visited. When no one was there to hear it she confessed to her mother that she just simply enjoyed the fact that she could pick up anything, without having to explain and justify her choice first and wait for approval. Still, later on she showed Ursa her selection, they were all stories from different genres. Azula said she wanted to keep writing for Kiyi and just needed some fresh inspiration and an overview of current trends.

By nightfall Ursa considered the day a success. She already knew her son Zuko was very busy and wouldn't be visiting for a while, but she was again overjoyed when she had the opportunity in the afternoon to watch her two daughters get along.

A week passed and everything seemed to be going well. Azula was very active around the house, helping her mother out in every possible task, and when the chores were done she would engage in her hobbies just as actively. One day however, she just flatly refused to accompany Ursa for a walk. Her mother dissmised it at first as just her being tired, but it went on for days. When the chores were done Azula would retreat to her own room instead of practicing her hobbies in the living room in Ursa's company. Worse yet, she would ask her, almost plead, not to enter when she tried checking on her. Azula would still welcome her sister Kiyi every day but when she and her father left she would again seem distant and sullen.

One morning, while having breakfast, Ursa couldn't keep silent any longer. She grabbed her daughter's hand and said:

„Sweetie, I'm worried about you. If you can't talk to me I will try to arrange your doctor's appointment for earlier. I want to help you but I can't do it if I don't know what's wrong. Why don't you want to leave the house anymore? It seemed to help you so much at first."

Azula put down her chopsticks and responded, not meeting her mother's eyes:

„I just feel everyone is watching me."

„I'm sure the men just look at you because you're pretty... and the women because they're jealous."

Her daughter huffed at the well meaning comment but didn't look amused. She said:

„What if they recognize me? Or recognize you and put two and two together? I feel like I'm braking some law by just being around them. No matter what the Avatar or the courts say, I know I'm condemned forever in the eyes of the world."

Ursa's heart sank but she managed to say:

„I know dear, I know. It will pain me forever too. But even in prison I saw you try to catch whatever little happiness you could grasp, you just have to continue doing that on the outside also. You can't just lock yourself away here, it won't make you feel any better and it won't change anyone's mind."

„Is this how Zuko felt? Doing everything you can but still not being good enough?"

„He does know how to push forward and struggle even when it seems hopeless. Perhaps he can offer you some wisdom in that regard. But I believe, no, I know you can do it too."