Captain America: Love in a Time of Loss

Depression

Kyle could have kicked himself after turning Steve down for coffee after the group meeting. Of course he wanted to go. Steve was attractive and clearly interested in him enough to want to be around him. Even if he'd been a little standoffish at first.

A little standoffish?

He smiled at his understatement, knowing full and well that he had been far more than standoffish. But, to be truthful, it was that very reason that stopped him from accepting Steve's offer for coffee. He was shocked by the display of emotions he was showing around Steve. After keeping things contained for so long, there were cracks showing in his armor. He cried, was angry. It was uncomfortable for him to be so open after a long time of keeping everything in.

And now you want Captain America's dick.

He couldn't deny that he was attracted to Steve. The idea of this set him on edge for a number of reasons. Aside from the obvious fear of attachment and the concern about permitting any sign of vulnerability, he felt there was no way someone like Captain America would find him attractive.

"He's literally a perfect specimen and I'm reading into things," he said as he reflected on the way Steve had spoken to him after group. The intimate sort of tone his voice had taken when he asked for a rain check had undoubtedly made Kyle's body work in overdrive.

"He's not into you," Kyle sighed. "He just wants to help you. That's what he does. He helps everyone. You aren't special. And if you keep following this train of thought you're just going to end up disappointed."

Stop trying to read the future.

He smiled as these words crossed his mind.

"What's your mutant power, Kyle?" Professor Xavier asked one day during one of their power lessons.

Kyle scowled in confusion. "Telekinesis," he said. It was more of a question than a statement.

Xavier grinned at him. "Your mutant power isn't reading the future then?"

"I mean, no."

"Then you've got to stop trying to read the future, Kyle. You're going to exhaust and overwhelm yourself thinking of all the endless possibilities. All of the what if's."

Kyle smiled in spite of himself at the memory. As much as he resented Xavier for the uninvolved approach to Thanos, he certainly couldn't deny the paternal role he had filled.

And he keeps advising me beyond the grave.

He came to a halt just in front of his dorm building and let out a deep sigh. "I really hope I don't regret this decision," he muttered before turning back around.

Steve sat at a table with some of the others and stared absently at the surface of his coffee. The others had been deep in conversation, laughing and cutting up with one another. Ordinarily he would be taking part in this. He enjoyed the camaraderie of the group, especially in their more lighthearted post-therapy gatherings. But tonight he couldn't find it within him.

Couldn't possibly have anything to do with Mr. Green Eyes.

He tried to listen to someone's story about their new dog but kept drifting into his thoughts, all of which were centered around Kyle. He was a mystery and a challenge. He didn't share much and was afraid to be vulnerable to the point of anger. It reminded Steve a little of when Bucky was under Hydra's control.

I'm not sure which is worse- Hydra or grief.

Thinking about Bucky immediately brought about a wave of guilt. Bucky was gone. He knew this. He also knew that Bucky wouldn't want him to spend the rest of his life remaining devoted to him rather than live for himself. Further, he knew that Bucky would likely point out to him that he found himself attracted to a person he also felt compelled to rescue.