Break ups

Break ups part 1

It's been a year now, I wonder about you everyday. It pains me to think of you, to know that somewhere, where ever you are, that you are hurting a girl in the same way you hurt me. Every night I would wake up crying and screaming because I'd had another nightmare about you. My parents would race in, they'd see me curled up in a ball, sobbing because of the nightmares you had given me. The nightmares you still give me. 

My nightmares would be about the same thing, I would just fall asleep then I'd feel your arms wrap around me. Encircling me with the remencesnt warmth of what once was, you would rest your chin in the crook of my neck, just like you used to. I would smell your cologne, my favourite cologne of yours. I felt your hot breath tickle my ear as you whispered the final words we ever spoke to each other "I Love You." I felt you kiss my cheek as you fade away, leaving me. The cold rushes around me, it was almost like he was here, but I know that would never happen. 

It hurt, everything hurt from that moment on, from the moment I woke till the moment I went to sleep again. I'd see your face around school, I knew that you were happy without me. I would turn my back so I didn't have to look at you, to save myself more pain. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I regretted even knowing you at one point in time. 

I wanted a way to cure the pain, so I wrote, a lot. I wrote stories, poems, songs and I drew and painted. Like we used to, just the other day I painted over the painting of us that we painted together. I gave everything you ever gave to me away, just like you sold my things and burnt the drawings I drew for you, you were the one who stitched my heart together when I needed it most, but you were also the one to violently rip it to shreds and not give a second thought about what you did. And the pain you cause to the person who loved yo the most. And who would have stayed by your side forever.

I thought I could trust you, I know you could trust me. 

I was scrolling through Facebook one night, and I saw your face for the first time in a while. Not long after that I got a message, it was from you I didn't want to read it. But I did anyway. I read the message carefully, you finally decided to give me the answer I've been wanting for a year, but even that wasn't enough. Not after what I've been through for you. I put up with the embarrassment of you dressing like a girl, the embarrassment of you kissing boys and thinking it's okay and the embarrassment of me always hiding in your shadow.  felt that I had to protect you from my parents, because if i didn't I thought I would lose you, but now I know that it would have been better to lose you then and there than to go through all of this.

I wore what you wanted me to, I gave up the bright colours, skirts, shorts and dresses for you and I got nothing in return. I gave you everything I could, I tried as hard as I could to save this relationship but it didn't work. Everything I did failed, my friends told me to give up and so did my brain but my heart said otherwise. And so I continued to try and not give up on you, I should have listened to my friends, parents and brain. Because It just hurt me more. 

Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't have tried and I should have never met you, but what good would that have done? I'm glad that I was me who got hurt and not another girl, because I now know who you truly are. You aren't the Prince Charming I thought you were, you're no better than any other boy I have met, you are worse. I hope you realise that later on in life you are going to want a girl like me. A girl to be proud of, a girl that you'll be proud to take home to your parents but most importantly a girl that loves you and a girl that you love. 

But you won't realise that, not yet, by the time you realise that I would have moved on and I won't care anymore. Just like you didn't care for me when you broke my heart, I cried myself to sleep most nights because of you. And you didn't care, but the moment you shed a single tear I run to you and make sure you were okay, did you do that for me? No, no you didn't. And you never will because you won't ever understand. 

Now that I look back and think about it I realise that you knew nothing about me, not even something simple like what's my birth date? or what's my favourite colour? I would always contact you first, wether it be by Skype or FaceBook, it was always me. 

I would always find out from other people if you had done something wrong or lied to me, you were dating other girls behind my back. On several occasions and on several occasions I found out and every time I found out you'd blame it all on me and use something like "you intimidate me" or "I don't tell you things because you get mad and tell me not to do them." I only got mad when you lied to me and I told you not to do something because I didn't want you to get hurt or hurt anyone else.  And just the other day I realised that from the day we started dating till the second we broke up is that you were in love with someone else. 

You never fully comprehended how much I actually loved you, you just took it all for granted. You never loved me, if you did you would have respected me more and not chose other girls over me. You would have never said "she's my best mate" and "but I've known her for years" you'd  would never leave me to fend for myself, I wouldn't have been treated like an animal with clothes on. All I ever got was excuses and if you loved me you wouldn't do this. 

When we first met and when I saw you I'd get butterflies, you'd leave me breathless and I thought I did the same for you. All I ever wanted was to smile again, I wanted you to smile to be happy. And that did happen, we did create goo memories together, your mother's wedding, your Brothers pre-formal, our first kiss, the first time we said "I love you", our first Valentine's Day together, our first date and our first and last goodbye. 

You'll forever be in my heart and mind as my first love, but it's time for me to move on and find someone else that shares the same love for me as I do for them. Goodbye, I'll miss you...