Even After You Die

FOUR

Rain bounces on the restaurant window as I observe how the lights of the city reflect against the shiny puddles and slick umbrellas. Haneul and I were lucky enough to get a booth before the storm unleashed its wrath. Neither one of us checked the forecast before going out and I don't remember it ever raining last time. But I guess I was also already in bed.

I look at Haneul, who's still searching the menu. "If you go to Kor—"

"It's not a matter of if. I will and I am." He folds up the menu and sets it on mine. "I already bought the tickets today."

"Wait, tickets?"

"Yes. One for me."

I blink.

"And one for you."

I'm speechless. Last time he didn't... oh that's right.

He sighs when I don't say anything. "You can act a little more excited than that, you know? There are a lot of people who would love to go to Korea."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Insert girly scream." I mock him and make an exaggerated girly face, then I return to being serious. "Do I look like a 14-year-old k-pop simp to you?"

Haneul scoffs and crosses his arms. "I'm not asking you to be. But if you're really that prejudiced, you can stay here."

"I'm not prejudiced!"

"No, but your comment was."

I sigh. "I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."

The waiter comes and Haneul orders for us. We sit in complete silence until our food comes, and even then we both only say thanks to the waiter.

What I had said... I do want to go. I think it would be fun; a lot better to visit Korea with him alive than him dead. I just don't want him to go and get murdered. That's all I'm doing is protecting him.

"I do want to go to Korea." I stab my salad with my fork.

"But you just said... I don't understand. If you don't want to go, I will not force you. You do not have to please me. Perhaps the distance will be good for us."

"No, distance is the last thing I want." I look around frantically, catching heads turning from us back to their food. This is not the place for us to have this conversation. "I'll explain later. Back at home."

***

"Okay, what is it?" Haneul asks as soon as he locks the front door. "Why are you acting like this?"

I wring my hands and pace back and forth, but Haneul has lost his patience.

"Will you please talk to me?"

"I'm sorry, okay?" I shout. "I... it's just, there was this nightmare, a-and you died. I couldn't bear it. You went to Korea. And you died! Okay, I don't want to have to see you buried for a second. Is that too much to ask?"

I try not to cry but I have to wipe my cheeks anyways.

Haneul's shoulders relax and I see the anger fade away from him. He pulls me in and wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on my head. I bury my face into his chest and cling onto the collar of his suit jacket.

"I couldn't handle it. I can't lose you too."

"Shh, it's okay." He whispers, kissing the top of my head. "It wasn't real. I'm not going to die."

But the thing is, Haneul. It was real. You did die. It wasn't just a nightmare.

I'm about to break away when suddenly I'm thrust into the air. My arms snake around Haneul's neck as he carries me to my bed and lays me down. I sit up but he presses me back down again. He takes off my shoes and earrings, pulling the covers over me. I've finally stopped crying and I can look at him clearly. His face is expressionless as he sits there, using his arm as a support to lean over me.