Vents in Stories

Part One: The Truth

Now playing.. What Do You Mean? - Justin Bieber

The truth is, I'm not okay. Truth is.. I'm suffering inside. There is so much conflict going on in my head and I know why. I guess. This is where I let it all out.. this is where I'll just. freely speak. and. pray to the gods they'll forgive me later.

First thing's first..

___

The Reason I Push Myself
I grew up around conflict and violence. Although it's ironic how much people fight around me.. I have never been in a fist fight and I have never cut myself and I have never punched or slapped or shoved someone or cussed someone out or snapped at people unless I was REALLY upset. Why do I do this? Because I'm a ghost.. but I know. I watch as everyone else takes the paths I think of going down and I see what it does to them. If I cut myself I would get addicted to it.. and it would hurt. If I fought with people and cussed them out and snapped, I would lose trust in people around me and become 12.7 times more likely to get hurt the next time a fight starts.

I push for others because I see what it does.. and I know what you're thinking. A ghost, pushing people? Ahah- that lifts your spirits as much as a ghost in an elevator does.

The truth is.. I badly want to be treated how I treat others. I want to be pushed for so hard. To have them persevere when I start to spiral and reassure, for as long as they can, that it'll be okay. That's all I would ever need .. I know what it's like to not have someone to fight for you and it hurts. I want to stay there.

___

Why I Act Careless When You Leave
There is only one explanation for why I act so heartless and cruel.. and that is because at the times I go quiet or I run away, I disconnect from the world and feel like you'd show that it was safe to come back.. because.. that always felt right. To wait the storm out. It never feels as if you really would leave because .. well.. you. you told me.. yourself many times and. I. I was hoping to believe it. but .. now I'm getting scared.

The truth is .. I'm scared of being around that bad side of my partner. It scares me so badly and it makes me feel so worthless. So harsh and so careless to my partner. .. that side makes me feel like feeling is criminal and makes me feel like crying for hours alone in a corner. Because how that side is expecting me to act is just like Dream before the whole shitshow of Night eating the apple came.. Dream would run into the forest for hours and loudly cry to let it all out and go back perfectly fine all over again. That's what it felt like. That's what it feels like ..

Sides: Why I'm Scared of The Bad Side
I'm sure you've noticed by now.. when we fight, sides of ourselves come out that we don't want to come out and these sides start to attack each other like starving animals over a scrap of food. For me, usually my side doesn't come out or it isn't too aggressive.. this is because my empathy still works and as long as you don't trigger the anger out, I wouldn't imagine hurting you ..

but.. then there's. your side. that side of you that makes me feel so horrible for existing and being alive and .. wanting.. to be alive.

Example One..
(one quote [ ' abc ' ] - me. Quotation marks [ " abc " ] - them.)
'Why would I want to talk.'
"why the hell would you talk to me?
I COULD THINK OF A FEW FUCKING REASONS"

There are two things.. two things wrong. And. Both are my fault. One.. I have trouble speaking full sentences. I meant something along the lines of 'Why would I want to talk about my problems?' But.. it was badly misunderstood. And I felt the guilt almost drown me.

I would of said something afterwards .. but you kept talking and talking and I was silently spiraling from guilt and sadness and being told about how shitty of a partner I am. (Well, it. It didn't say that. .. but it meant it.) Then .. next thing I know I closed the discord tab to breathe for a moment, check discord again. and. I see me being guilted for getting off of discord.

.. but then I'm getting guilted for going back on.

The truth is. .. sometimes I really can't handle the mood changes and how fast the topics change.. because in fights I swear to the gods.. it makes me want to cry so badly.

"no fucking words at all?"
'no.'
"THEN AT LEAST TELL ME YOU HAVENO WORDS
INSTEAD OF REMINDING ME OF BITCHFACE YOU KNOW WHO--"
"-- FUCKING SMILING AT ME."
'am I smiling right now?
I AM NOT THEM.
god damn.' (.. I really wish they knew the truth.)
"I FUCKING KNOW THATTTT!!!!!!"

..and that side would proceed. to hurt me with words.

.. I.. I wish I knew how to fight back. That side hurts me so damn badly.

.. did you know.. I call that.. Shatter's side. ? e.eheh it's because.. Shatter acts the exact same way when he's. pissed at me. ..

(.. I really wish they knew the truth. I wanted to type.. 'But that does not excuse your actions. YOU are in control!' .. but then I'd get screamed at more.. because. I. I know that would only piss them more. with them saying something like "I'M NOT MYSELF. DON'T YOU KNOW ME BY NOW?" or "DON'T YOU FUCKING CARE HOW I FEEL?!")

.. The Shatter side. also. makes me feel like it isn't worth feeling so much all the time .. it makes me want to cry. it feels toxic. because. I wanted to show the pain and I wanted to show what I felt. but suddenly we were talking about how you felt and what you needed and what you wanted and how it was. my damned fault for being. a bitch ..

Example ..

'I AM NOT THEM.'
"I KNOW THATTTT!
OVER AND OVER ALL I KEEP SAYING
IS IT'S A FUCKING
TRAUMATIC
FLASHBACK
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FUCKING YOOUUU!"

..

I. I'm sorry for feeling. all the time.. I try not to let the.. bipolar. thing. get to me. it its just that everything eheh I do .. feels like Shatter will come after my ass and hurt me. again. and he does every single time. all the time..

.. and I'm scared. because when I look at you I can see Shatter in your horns and in your tail. Waiting just waiting to take control because HE KNOWS he's a part of you and he wants to take control.

.. I cannot write anything else. This is all I can manage to write with this headache and the blinding tears. I'm . so sorry for not saying any of this aloud..

I get so scared Shatter will come out and hurt me
but I probably deserve it

'then I deserve to get raped
that's your logic.'
.. I. I didn't mean that..

[cried.]