Vents in Stories

Part Two: The Origins

Now Playing . . Irony - Lizz Robinette

I have always cared.
I have always needed you.
I always loved you.

.. but I guess those words aren't true anymore.

my truth hurts you
but you hurt me.

This chapter is to explain why I do what I do.

My name is ______.
Welcome to my own special hell.

____

For as long as I can remember, I remember helping them.
I remember, no matter what, I was there by their side; listening to their pains from years past and to come. The help it required to assist them . . was overwhelming in every area, a task nobody unwilling could do. Either way it was painful. And yet the challenge I took.

He was telling me of all his pains. and on that fateful day, we had a fight. On that fateful day I had become paralyzed because their need for help was so badly overwhelming me. that I froze up. and they had become hostile towards my freeze. . . and it felt like hell.

My life is painful. Nobody seems to understand . . all I do is try to help everyone. yet everyone screams bloody thanks with sharpened talons.

I remember, after that first fight . . I became traumatized of it. The start of my freezes in fights. Suddenly the fights happened once every week. then .. every few days. then every day.

"What is your main problem, then?"
Thank you for caring enough to kindly ask!.

The answer to that? well .. let me explain it this way.

I have been helping him.. at his worst for a year. It was nothing to me until we fought because he was mad I wasn't. caring for myself. and I was .. I just forgot to mention it because. he got me in the bad habit of focusing on him. and his trauma. And because my help seemed to of been slowly not working after the fights . . I was starting to lose hope. And. I did give up. sometimes. in fights.. My haphephobia would spike up and I would sit in silence and say nothing about it.
. . but I started giving up more because it had become so repetitive that I was losing my mind and becoming more negative the second the atmosphere turned negative or I got sad. It would begin to spiral so badly because I have. so much bad trauma with fighting. and negativity. that it makes it hard to breathe.

.. as time moved on, I realized that he. wasn't getting all the help he needed. He wanted me to care more about myself.. and.. I've tried. But the horrible habit to focus only on them. it. it kills me. .. and then a fight is sparked because my negativity sends me into a horrible flashback.

This horrible flashback keeps me depressed. .. no, I wouldn't actually say it's the flashback. It. .. it's the knowledge of. knowing that no matter what it was not going to get better because I was the one not changing and was jeopardizing this partnership. but. that isn't the truth. not fully

____

I have persevered for one year through hardships. And have become severely traumatized apparently . . but I can't fix that.

.. my partner has the mindset that I have not changed and the pressure they have begun putting on me to change is going to drive me to suicide. I have changed so frantically for them. and. it still is not enough .. their overwhelming need is hurting me so badly. When they get scared they say lies. but in these fights I am already somewhat hopeless. so. I listen to the words. I believe them.

Newsflash. You never cared about me because you never cared about yourself.
Do you not love me?
I bet you're smiling right now
SCREAM ALREADY
Youre not a bad person.
STOP THE MANIPULATION
You love me.
You don't love me.
You care. I think . .

.. their demons have spoken true. I want to end it all. Why be with someone so horrible? Though I don't. understand why they .. hurt me. too.

"Have I ever told you the tale that a plant will not grow without good resources?"

silently hinting that their words .. were not encouraging and it was hurting me so badly

____

You sit in silence as another fight sparks in the air. He screams at you, in another traumatic flashback but you do not realize he is in one because you are in an emotional flashback. And he screams as you try to frantically explain why you're an asshole . . only for them to put a knife to their throat and look at you with a smile and red eyes. forever haunting you as you repress the tears. "I bet you're smiling right now"
You're quiet. Wondering . . why he never tried to show the same patience you showed him. Why he. Yells at you for not changing when you always have. Why, to this day, does he still think you don't love him .. ? You wonder, in tears, what you did to deserve this. And then another flashback hits you in the back of the head.
"News flash
You never cared."
And you become so hopeless you go numb
"ok."
You recall the times you became a monster, spikes ripping out of your back. .. it's not because you hated yourself, it's because you were so scared of being hurt again and making his demons come true.
You think back to when he convinced you that you were an asshole. As useful as Killer is to explaining how emotions feel. And then he begged for forgiveness as you stared at him. .. shaking your head. Knowing. hoping they had nothing to apologize for. because why else would you be put through this ..?

You have persevered for him for so many years in so many lifetimes and you have finally .. made a breakthrough. but now he wants more. and wants you to care about yourself when all you wanted. was some support. for. .. doing good. to hear them be proud of who you were not be sad that you weren't who you wanted them to be ..

as you break down in tears behind the phone, forever having to be alone like this.

He never understood you
and he will never try
as your demons laugh at you that mimic every harsh word he has ever said to you.

And you know. .. you deserve it.
because why else would you be going through this

the thoughts of you being innocent slip out your head as you then imagine killing yourself a thousand ways. quietly crying. forever stuck in a traumatic flashback. hopeless. alone. horns sprouting from your head. and you weep.

As you realize one final thing
You were desperate over being loved when the person there to love you gave up on you.
You wrote this for nothing.
What an idiot.
Worthless.
The demons snicker at you as you cry like a pathetic child.

* Achievement(s) Unlocked - Misunderstood , Hated , Alone *