I'd like an eternal slumber right about now. To close my eyes, reflect on life, give up and sleep and not expect myself to wake back up.
I have done a horrid evil, an unforgivable act. I have forever broken a relationship with someone. I cannot fix it. Do I want to? Yes.. but I simply cannot. the fact is held over my head like an everlasting tease.
The fuse was lit. I had an outburst of anger from hidden hurt that I felt from him. The ways he did things and ran things, the advice given to me from horrid people. The fact we are opposite but not the perfect opposite that goes together. We're more like ... a spoon and a knife, not a spoon and a fork. we are so horribly different. meant for different things, go in different places. it agonizes me.
I think we might split. it feels like destiny. I'm not rooting for it. in fact i really want to sort it out and fix it. but it is not that easy nor will it ever be. Because of my episode ive exposed my toxic trait. that i don't want to be alone. it caused paranoia and fear that I controlled him and now paranoia comes true. now I am no longer sweet and kind in his eye. now we will never be the same and it is all my fault. now I don't want to look him in the eye in fear of making him cry.
I want to fix it and be better with him.
but I think he wants to leave ..
just like tayla. how funny. isnt it.
i want us. i will work for it. but my episode has cost us so much doubt because of fear. because of lack of communication. we arent doing it right. but we can try.
but i dont think he wants to risk it just to know id probably hurt him again ...
two years. almost three. and one day fucked us all up.
none of it mattered. did it.
its all about how much i make people suffer not how much i want to fix it. not how i am sorry and want to repair it. i know i hurt them. i know they want to leave but dont want to be alone. and thats my fault.
i hate love .. if you want to leave then leave. take the ring from my finger. tell me you'll find better. tell me you'll live a good life and leave me withered. i have made us suffer but im not just pain. im loving. im not only negative. i just care. too much.
id like an eternal slumber.. lets see if tonight is the night.
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Vents in Stories
RandomI was unsure how I could write something that was less than 2000 characters short to explain all the problems in my head. I was unsure how I could secretly do this.. and the fact is.. I just can't do it secretly. This is the best I can do. To just...
