Larry Stylinson - Unyielding Soul Of Unconscious Mind

Right Before Crossroads

                                                                                     Louis

Children have a unique talent of finding ordinary things extraordinary, but as they grow old, this talent disappears, somewhere down the drain of our unconscious mind, that was not a case for Louis Tomlinson though. He had kept his inner child for as long as he could, he tried to look at the world in a positive light, tried to make sense of a dystopia this world of ours was. Ever since he was younger, he was quite a smart person, his analytical skills and an ability to understand any kind of a situation had always been a good weapon for him. He had never been the brightest of the students, nor he had ever tried, but when, at the same year, he was kicked out of his boyband and replaced by someone, as well as, forced out of his Hayfield school because he failed the first year of A levels, he realized there was a problem in him, maybe. Louis had always wanted to be famous, he loved singing and he loved acting. He had some extra roles on television, because of his mom, Johannah worked as a chaperone for some of the TV shows in entertainment industry, so she got him and his sisters, a small roles and since Louis had always dreamt to be an actor, he got to see how the inner circle of television and movie industry worked and he loved it, he loved it so, so much. Since then, Louis attended an acting school in Barnsley and he got a role of Danny Zuko in the Hall Cross musical production of Grease, Hall Cross was his second school by the way. But, even as it seemed that his acting career might take quite a good turn, he had not forgotten the rejection he felt, when his supposed to be friends, announced to him he needed to leave the band, because he couldn't fucking sing and they were replacing him with someone else, some stupid ass kid who could at least do some high notes. He tried to ignore it, said whatever to it, but secretly, just like he dreamt of his father returning and Louis rejecting him, telling fucking Troy to go fuck himself, telling him that he had a real father and his biological ties didn't fucking matter, same way he secretly dreamt of becoming a singer, but not just any singer, a famous one, the star, loved by millions, becoming a legend, so he could prove to his fucking ex-bandmates that they made a huge fucking mistake. He would often fantasize how he was coming back to Doncaster, the star, the legend and he would imagine meeting the boys who rejected him so badly, he imagined he would be super nice towards them, because that would be even worse than being an asshole towards them, he would sit with them, tell them all kinds of crazy stories of celebrities, tell them how much money he actually had and they would just sit there, pretending they were happy for him, but inside, they would be dying from jealousy, fuck yeah, it would feel so good, a little vengeance maybe, but it would be so satisfying, because they fucking hurt him, one thing Louis was the most afraid of was rejection, being rejected, being told he is not good enough, talented enough, smart enough or just not enough in anything, he never wanted to feel that kind of feeling ever again, he couldn't just continue to get rejected, by his father, by his bandmates, by his school, no he needed to change something, he needed to fucking do something, oh wait, wait, fucking wait, what about X factor? You know, that reality show where they look for talented and potential people, to make them into stars, into the new legends of music industry? Fuck yeah, you know what, I am going to apply, Louis thought...

Louis was 15 years old, when he first applied for X factor, full of big dreams and having huge expectations, well all of that went down to fucking drain, when he didn't even make past producers' interviews, they didn't even allow him to attend first auditions, why? No one really told him why, all he got was: "We are sorry to notify you, but your son didn't make the cut", they called Johannah, they told her no reason, maybe there was something he could fix, but no, just one fucking sentence, usually that's enough to destroy someone's life, just one fucking sentence. But, Louis was strong enough not to allow this to destroy his life, still it was a shit on his self-esteem, he would often think to himself: "I was not even good enough to make it to first auditions with judges", then quickly tried to bury that thought, quickly tried to erase it, fight it. You know what, bad for them, for losing someone as talented and as good as me, who cares, I will try next year. And Louis had tried next year as well and the same thing, still didn't make the cut, still the same answer like before, just one fucking sentence. If you are going to tell someone bad news, at least have a decency to be more compassionate, but no, with just one fucking sentence he would get this terrible news, and there was when a doubt sneaked in. Maybe I am not really good enough, maybe I should give this up and try something else, I mean there are plenty of things to try, right? So, he gave up and then what the fuck Louis? How dare you to give up on your dreams? Who cares about what they think, you need to fucking try and try and try and try, until you succeed, until there is no fucking other way but for others to accept you, for them to realize you are amazing, talented, you are the star, so come on, don't fucking pity yourself, you will try next year! So, at 16 years old, Louis decided he would never allow himself to give up, like ever! No matter how hurt he felt, how down he felt, how rejected he felt, he would never give up, he couldn't, I mean if he did, it would be same as dead and Louis didn't for sure want to be dead. That was a year when he found his second boyband as well, The Rogue and they went to have a lot of school concerts, they even competed on Battle of The Bands, didn't win, but came in second place, that was also something and then at 17 years old, Louis once again applied for X Factor and once again got fucking rejected, this was now his third try, I mean what the fuck, since his first and second try, he definitely improved, his singing skills improved, he was more handsome as well, so what the fuck was wrong with these fucking producers, I mean give me a break, I would choose you Louis all day, every day, but not these fucking people, and they were the ones choosing, so they had to know something he didn't fucking know, but it felt so bad, he could never imagine he wouldn't make a cut this time and it broke Louis, he knew he promised himself to never give up, but what the fuck, he couldn't just continue like this, maybe music career was not for him, maybe he should have tried acting career? With all of these thoughts, with all of this emotional distress, he went to school only for his Geography teacher to call him out and ask him some fucking question about whatever, he didn't even understand a question and just told him: "I don't know". Well, what his teacher replied as an answer? He said Louis would never amount to anything and would probably end up working in McDonalds and would have a sad, boring life. I mean, truth to be told, this had been building up in his teacher quite a while, Louis was not exactly the quietest and the most behaved type and I guess teacher was getting really fed up with him and was building up a frustration towards Louis and I guess he might have had a bad day as well, but telling your student something as fucked up as this? I find no excuse in that. One thing about this world, teachers have fucking power. They can fucking build you up or they can fucking destroy your life without even knowing, so when you choose to be a fucking teacher, make sure you realize you need to have enough freaking patience to guide next generation to somewhere better, if you don't have it, it's okay, go and fucking choose different profession, no fucking problem. Okay, I got a little angry and went off topic I guess, anyways back to Louis... So, imagine having a shitty past couple of days, doubting everything you ever wanted and dreamed of, doubting your own self and your own abilities, being insecure about not being fucking enough, feeling like you always get rejected by someone or something: your fucking dad, your boyband, your school, fucking reality show that claims they find real talents and make them into stars, you are coming with all of this baggage at school and then your fucking Geography teacher tells you this: "You'll never amount to anything". You'll never amount to anything, you'll never amount to anything, you'll never amount to anything. Louis wanted to crawl up and cry and cry and cry, but of course he couldn't do that in front of people, he actually very rarely cried in front of anyone, he cried a lot when he was alone, but he never cried in front of anyone, his mom had seen him cry a lot, but she was his mom. So, he collected himself, laughed it off and told his teacher: "We'll see about that!". But truth to be told, he started to agree with his teacher in secret, he fucking hated it, he fucking hated this feeling of defeat, but what could he do? He decided he would leave these thoughts of being musician alone, he had his football team and he was quite good at playing it, so he would try to distract himself with football, maybe then he would try an acting career, but hell no, he couldn't try an acting career, what made him think he would be any good in that? No, he would settle for something small, something to get him by and probably would have a sad, boring life, just like his teacher said. It was fucking depressing, but he needed to face reality and needed to live with it...